Writings of a true Knight
by Last of the Jedi
Summary: The new young Jedi Knight Trip has a situation that sometimes seems almost identical to Anakin Skywalker's. But turning has not even crossed his mind. He has worst to deal with: himself.
1. The Begining

Disclaimer: _Hey now, we know that I am no Lucas. He owns Star Wars. Jude Watson is the author of Jedi Apprentice, Jedi Quest, and Last of the Jedi. I have always liked Star Wars and always wanted to write my own story. This story deals with my own fictional Jedi who situation seems almost identical to Anakin's, but thats not what the story is about. Please read and review._

Trip's Diagnosis of Life, A Jedi's Ambitions as a Knight. A Star Wars Story

He grabbed a towel and took a break from the action. This round his master was particularly tough on him. That was ok; he thought he was winning anyway. A prominent fighter, his prowess had grown to a noticeable status. Some found it hard to fathom how this kid, coming from nowhere, rises high through the ranks at eighteen years of age. It certainly was not easy on the kid, because he was starting at thirteen when most of his peers started at three. During instruction he often heard them talk of the times they used to have back in those days of young age. They had been together for so long and had formed an inseparable bond. Or so everyone else thought. He knew the truth; these kids stab each other in the back, talk about each other, and hate on each other all day long. Ironically, these actions did not much defer from those of his native area. That too, made it hard for the young knight to get closer to his peers, letting the fact that he was different set aside. He always knew that he was not well liked, but somehow everybody knew him. They knew his name, knew who he was, knew his accomplishments, the parents of these kids- of all ages, the staff- everybody. His popularity derives from his imposing figure, unique style of thinking, and the differences that set him apart.

Still thinking back he painfully remembers that he was not alone in his quest. Actually he was not even the reason he was here. Always giving thanks to the greater one in charge, he never forgot about his friend. Controversially, the place he was now at needed some help in their athletic department. If anyone could improve this, his friend could. Always moving, juking, ripping, and diving this way, that way, his athletic prowess was unmatched in his area. So the two decided to step out of their native areas along with twelve others and rescue this place from athletic insufficiency. They led their teams to new unachieved heights gaining all kinds of recognition. Famous in the halls, popular among the teachers, they brought "unforeseen speed and power," to the new place. Certainly the new academy was not without its challenges, exotic ones at that. As it is no place is inerrant; inerrancy is only achieved by few. This place was a trip he thought. He- they all were used to the situations less than ideal. Their native areas were pretty tough places. Fighting, drugs, and straight abuse were common attributes of such an area. It was an area they traveled a great distance commuting from the places. It was impossible to carry the same style of living from their native area to this new institution. The rules were many, it's leader fierce about upholding them- something had to change. They still held it down in their athletic events as previously stated, but their styles of fighting and their general habitual knowledge differed so greatly from this new place. They were different and they knew 

it. They made friends, but only had a few real friends, ones that would not denounce them behind their backs or fall to their parent's twisted views.

At the end of the first year, two moved on to adulthood and their siblings left the institution. Not a good sign; he knew the rest of his friends had been contemplating withdrawal. It was not fair, his friends were all supposed to move on to adulthood with him. Fine. That was just fine he thought, as long as his best friend, his partner, his brother, did not leave him. But their athletic recruiter decided that it was best for his family if he left. So he did, and his best friend did too. So now there was only three left. The last of the players, the last of the Jedi. True enough, they would not cower in the face of a hard time, they would stay and fight, keepin on keepin on. They did not win many more games without the help of their teammates, the rest were worthless. They found themselves playing games alone. Their four athletes to other teams 35, they were warriors and showed no fear.

Puh, he thought, so many problems, so much drama, all things which are trivial in the end. He came across so many shallow people every day- it made him sick. True enough in the society he was currently involved in no one was supposed to be shallow. But they were. People would ask him what's wrong, but he 

would just shake his head full knowing they did not care. He had not cried since he was eight years old. He was eighteen now and it was unbelievable that he hadn't. Normal people- anybody else would have cried all day and night. Enough of this thinking back upon his life, the challenges he had faced, and the things he had learned- he could talk about those later. Using the force he called his lightsaber to his hand and ignited it, ready for some action. He leaped out at his former master, he being a full knight now just recently passing the trials. He was never the first to strike. With a grin on his face his master took a baseball bat style swing. He ducked, rolled and finally parried, feeling the force flow through him. He was stronger; his master used to get him with that one all the time. Not anymore, tsk, tsk, tsk, how many times did he have to prove himself? Now his master would come at him with a strong backhand sweep in attempt to end the match quick. He went to parry the move but his master faked it, tripped him up with a sweep of the leg, and touched his lightsaber lightly to his neck on low power. Dang, he thought to himself! Just goes to show that when he thought he knew a lot; he was really only beginning to learn the ways of the force. Knowing his master, he had probably anticipated his own anticipation.

Wisdom was something he often had when it did not matter, but did not have it when it did. Back in the times he spent with his best friend, he used to fight all the time. He never acted harshly towards other people back then, but for some reason they hated him. He was different. Not light enough for the opposing race, not dark enough to be one of them. So if he wanted to fit in, if he wanted to be one of them, he would have to prove it through his actions. So he grew up talking, walking, and acting like them. Quick to fight they were, and impulsive with their actions too. They had developed a simple system of nonsense: if someone said something to you offensive in the slightest and you had nothing better to say, you fought them to get your respect back. Therefore the boy grew up a fighter. Unknown to his parents who raised him to put his faith in the greater one in charge, he fought all the time. But it was not his fault; people just could not seem to keep their mouth shut about him. The only reason why they picked on him was because they were certain that he would not do anything. So our man had to set out to change that outlook. He was tired of being talked about, tired of being left out because he was not cool or something, sick and tired of fighting. He hated the way it made him feel. He got a certain feeling like the insides of his body were being ripped apart. It was a terrible feeling, worst than losing, worst than being spanked or punished. So he tried to stop. True enough, after awhile he realized that it was okay if people thought him a loser. In the end, it did not 

really matter what they thought anyway. And when he got his opportunity to move on to the more beneficial society, the task became that much easier. He barely had to fight anymore; he had other problems.

But now it was the end of his four year stay at this institution. It was time to move on to an even bigger and better institution to prepare him for life. And he smiled thinking to himself how much better off he would be, knowing both sides of the racial spectrum. He knew the hard less fortunate side, the side he grew up in, and still resided in today. But he also knew the side of rich luxury. That's great too, but knights seldom took the luxury option. Sometimes it was not to attract attention, others it was more comfortable to travel regularly. One thing he was sure of that whatever he did on the other side of his service as a knight was going to deal with that side of luxury. He would have money, and lots of it. When one had money, one could do things. One could help people, one could provide for those he loved. However hard he had to work, however long he had to, he would do whatever it took.

That was the big deal. Knights were destined to protect the helpless, and help those in need. They did not abuse their power, picking street fights with thugs. No, they just brought justice to the unjust. Being a knight was not for the weak hearted. This particular knight however, had a soft heart. The greater one in charge that was earlier 

referred to has a certain doctrine, known as the Bible. The Bible is the greatest book of all times, teaching a knight all that he should abide by. The force was only complementary to a knight's composition. That was a bonus, being force- sensitive. When one was force- sensitive, one could slow down time, or call an object to his hand, or use it to bear down upon a person. But the most important thing was the power it gave to one to judge emotions. So sharp was this particular perk on our man, that it was like he knew what you were thinking. This power combined with a genuine care for people got him in to unusual situations.

That too, was a terrible feeling too, when somebody needs help and they swear they don't. He wanted to help people. He genuinely cared about people. That was his problem- but it was not a problem. He could not help it; people did him wrong once and the Bible says do not let the sun go down on your wrath, so he forgave them. They did him wrong again and he forgave them again. You think he would learn his lesson after the third time, but he didn't. He had heard stories about the chosen one and this had also been his case. He was said to be the new chosen one of the new order. He still did not know how he felt about that, but it was apparent that he was special. With his genuine care and his expert judge on emotions he found it easy to talk and converse with people. Even still as was stated before, people always found some kind of problem with him.

After all the things he had seen, done, and been through he had always thought that if he shared some of these events with people they would have a new respect for him. That's all he wanted was some kind of general respect. He would tell you: it was not easy wanting to help people. It got him hurt, it got him in trouble, and it got him nowhere. Or did it? There were more people he thought, that liked and respected him than there were people that did not. This was attributed to his real care. When people talked to him, most of them did not feel the generic hollow feeling they got when they talked to their main associates. It was probably good for them for a change to be cared about huh? That was the way their society was going. They would ask each other how they were or how their day was, but let's be real: they did not really care. That was okay too, because the person they asked could have been going through some tough times too, but the person they were talking to did not care either. There was then at least mutual apathy and usually no one person got more of it than the other. Right? Not true. There were still some outcasts around. Nice people, despised for no good reason. Well, actually the charges against these certain people were that of being boring, not pretty or handsome, and so good of a person, they were easy to take advantage of. But then the problem with that was that some of these people had nothing to be taken advantage of. Thus, said persons were good for nothing, and when on e was good for nothing no one wasted their time. But that was in any society huh? It was these types of people our man particularly tried to reach out to.

But now here he was, having done what so many of his friends could not stand to do. It was Commencement day. May 17. There were originally 13 and only 3 survived. They had what it took. But now Trip, our man, had come upon a startling discovery. He was saying goodbye to some of his friends, this particular day he was done with all of his classes. He was suddenly swarmed with people. Girls, Guys, young children, teachers, all sorts of people were rushing to say goodbye, telling him how much they would miss him, begging him to come back to see them. One girl even started crying and a few gave him bracelets to wear for him to remember them by. Some were promising never to forget him. Teachers were shaking his hand and clasping him on the back telling him about the improvements he had made over the years and how he was prepared for life. His coaches invited him back to workout anytime over the summer. People were telling him to stay in touch, handing out their phone numbers, even their home ones. Then he realized how respected and cared for he was. He realized that he would be missed. He realized how many friends and supporters he had. He was used to being not liked, and now he knew just about everyone in the institution. And suddenly he was not so ready to leave. He could have cried but he did not. It was time for him to move on to bigger and better things; he was about to enter the best time of his life. But he felt attached. Attachment was not for Jedi. Attachment was what corrupted Anakin Skywalker and Trip was no Anakin Skywalker. He was just as powerful, but not nearly as confident.

But he still had one more thing he had to do, two things actually. The first was to find his rival and take him down- very un Jedi like, but it had to be done. The second was the final confrontation with the one he loved. He did not love much, but when he did he was attached. Shaking his head, he put his hand on his hilt, checking to make his lightsaber was secure, and headed down the way to handle his business.

END OF FIRST PHASE


	2. Darth Lazer

Trip felt a disturbance in the Force and cocked his head slightly to the left accordingly. A good sized rock flew past his head. He had excellent reflexes and he used the Force to slow down time. He snatched the rock out of mid air and flung it back at his attacker who was taken by surprise as it hit him full in the chest. That was always a Jedi's helpful tool, surprise. Trip decided not to let his attacker know that he was a Jedi Knight yet because after all it could just be a street thug who was bored. He probably would not be anymore. The person ran away swearing as he did so. But he had something of Trip's; he had a certain sheet of paper Trip had previously written. This piece of paper contained a series of trigger phrases that brought Trip's anger dangerously close to unleashing his anger on who ever said the words phrases even though they probably did not know that what they were saying had such a tremendous effect on him.

Trip had plenty of things to be angry about therefore he had a lot of anger pent up inside of him. Jedi Knights were supposed to be experts at patience. Because of their rank known through the galaxy, they were given full clearance to investigate whatever they needed. They would often be left waiting because the places they investigated always had something to hide. They would hope that the Jedi would grow impatient, and then leave. However, they would always still be there until they had to have their interrogations answered. Patience was something Trip had with some people more than others. Before Trip moved to the academy he was often very impatient with his family. He had friends but he was never allowed to go and play with them, he always had to come home. He was the eldest of 6 siblings, and they were supposed to respect him, but they never did. Because of this he became very impatient with them. That's usually what happens when a kid of his age had all of the responsibilities and never got out of the house. But Trip had patience with just about everybody else. He had always thought that this was the case with everybody, but now that he was a knight he knew better. He had seen true older brothers who acted/did what they were supposed to. So that was an area of lack for Trip as a knight, and an area of lack made him angry.

Besides anger of lack Trip was also always made fun of. Even now as an 18 yr old man, he was still made fun of. He was made fun of all the time as a young boy. They made fun of his hair, his clothes, his shoes, his skin color, but especially they made fun of his teeth. If they made fun of his hair, he could get a haircut. If they made fun of his shoes, he would get a different pair. If they made fun of his skin color, he could act like he was their own. But when they made fun of his teeth, he could not do anything to fix it. He could not even keep his mouth closed they were so messed up. Because he was Force-sensitive then, he always knew that the kids that made fun of him the most were the ones that were most unhappy with themselves. His dad always told Trip that they were jealous of his good looks. Trip never thought himself attractive. He surmised that they were jealous of his happiness, nothing more. Trip was always a happy child growing up. They may have been unhappy for one reason or the other, but at least their teeth were straight. His parents did not have money for braces, he was too young anyway. At least he still had parents that were together.

The older Trip got, the worse his teeth got. And the older his peers got, the worse the insults got. By now there were gangs, and they would say that his teeth made gang signs. But there was one kid who was relentless in his jests. The worse part about it was that in his area, nobody was supposed to talk about you. If they did then you had better come up with something worse to say to them back. If you could not do that, than you better be able to fight them and beat them up. If you could not do that, then you were lame, and if you were lame, then nobody would be your friend. And one always wanted friends. That's why today there are so many minors doing drugs. Besides that Trip was called fat and un athletic. He was too, until he became and athlete and discovered the power of sports.

And so now here he was. He had a powerful athletic build, his teeth were straight, he was intelligent, and he was a full grown Jedi Knight. But there was always one kid that talked about his teeth the worse. He hurt Trip so deeply that he was sure that if he ever saw him again, he would not hesitate to stick a lightsaber right into his perfect teeth and see what he had to say about it then. But that is 

revenge, and revenge is not the Jedi way. He felt a disturbance in the Force again; it was him. He whirled around and instantly put a hand on his hilt, checking to make sure his lightsaber was secure.

"I bet you never thought you'd see me again, Trip," he said.

"I've dreamt about this day for a long time," Trip replied as he dropped his cloaked revealing his strong athletic build, but not his lightsaber, not yet.

"What the-?"

"I could deck you with one punch."

"But your still slow!" he said as he revealed a blaster.

"Don't try it," Trip commanded as he used the force to send the blaster flying into the air.

"Oh, so you know one little trick huh, and you think you are somebody?" he sneered.

"That's one more "little trick" than you. But you were never smart, so how could you know simple math?"

"I was always smarter than you, _**carrot boy**_!" That was one of the trigger phrases. Trip charged in a blind furry and delivered a hard precise blow to his rival's jaw. He decked him, just as he predicted. But because of Trip's anger, his mind was clouded and he was not able to pick up the warning. A wave of Force lighting hit him full in the chest. He felt like his body was on fire as he flew back.

"Did you really think it was going to be that easy?" his rival demanded incredulous. "I am a Sith Lord now. I am Darth Lazer, now." Trip saw a red lightsaber ignite. "So you got stronger and you thought that it would be enough to deal with me? You thought that your new strength alone would be enough to get you revenge? I sense great fear in you, Trip, and this is rightfully so."

"That is where you are wrong, I have no fear. My only concern is what how I explain to your family your corruption, and the consequences of it. I am a Jedi Knight," Trip replied as he used the force to call his own to his hand.


	3. Dark Anger

It started to rain. Trip ignited his lightsaber, its ice teal blaze shone through the rain, smoking as it did so. The shock on Darth Lazer's face was satisfying enough.

"Just call me NO FEAR," Trip scoffed.

"Haaah!" Darth Lazer ran at Trip, it almost seemed like he was gliding across the ground. Trip noticed that he _was gliding _across the ground; his feet _were not touching_ the ground because he was using the force to propel himself across space and it appeared that he was flying. Trip switched his footing to a defensive stance; he never attacked first in a duel. His rival faked left and swung right expecting Trip to fall for the ruse; he paired easily. Then he started working on his own using a series of backhand sweeps that sent Lazer staggering back. Trip could feel Lazer's anger which derived from the surprise at Trip's skill.

"Looks like you are the one that underestimated me," Trip challenged.

"The same way you underestimate the power of the Dark Side!" Suddenly, Trip was sent backwards as a wave of dark force energy peppered his chest. It took all Trip had not to drop to a knee. He retaliated with a kick to Lazer's chest, which sent his lightsaber flying. Lazer used the force to propel a swoop towards Trip, who dodged it with some difficulty. In the process he dropped his own lightsaber. It would be a street fight for the moment. Just like old times Trip thought because they had always fought when they were regular kids that did not like each other. The worse that would happen then would be that one of them would bust the others nose, they would be sent to the office, and they would both be suspended from school. All they cared about was who won. But now this fight was deadly; Trip knew that today, one of them would no longer be alive. He had no intention of this person being him. But he would need the force to help him. He took a moment to let it flow through him, and released the anger inside of him. He would not fight Lazer because he hated him, and he would not kill Lazer because of the extreme pain he caused him as a child. He would do it because he had to be stopped. Lazer threw a punch followed by a kick. The punch barely nicked his chin, but the kick caught him in the stomach. Trip 

came back with a punch of his own looking to deck Lazer again. He hit him, but he did not fall; his anger was acting like alcohol and he could not feel the pain. So they fought doggedly, never tiring, always moving dodging, striking back. They blocked and kicked and their footing became uneven because of the rain. Trip was beginning to tire as they had been fighting for some time now. But Lazer showed no sign of deficiency in fact, he seemed to get stronger.

"I hate you!" Lazer blared. "You had money, you had friends, you had it all! I had nothing, I had no family; all I had was a grandmother who put me in a shelter! Your parents loved you, I did not know mine. Teachers liked you because you were smart, they hated me!"

"Are you kidding me? You were the one who turned the teachers against me! And you cheated to make better grades than me! You always tried to compete with me, because you thought you could be better than me, I guess I was the easiest person you could find with my teeth and all. How is that I had money but I could not afford braces?"

"Because you could afford clean clothes."

"But they were not name brand, remember, you always pointed that out."

"You had two parents that loved you!"

"And that makes everything ok? Because you were jealous of my parents? The way you would talk about my mother-" This was a breaking point for Trip because he was going back through his past which was reminding him of all the pain. He had always been exceptionally made fun of, but this kid had almost made him cry. He was 13 then and had not cried since he was 8. His parents had always told him that the boy was jealous, but Trip never saw it until now. But he had no idea what he had been through, and he charged. He hit him square in the mouth and this time he sent Lazer staggering, wiping blood from his mouth. He finally had time to call his lightsaber to his hand. Lazer attempted to do the same, but Trip hit him again with his lightsaber hilt before igniting it. When Lazer finally got up and recovered his lightsaber, Trip was waiting. His anger had finally got control of him.


	4. Force Mastery

Trip was ready now. He knew Lazer was done for. He had no doubt who was winning this battle. He ignited his lightsaber for the final time of this fight. He streaked across the space straight at Lazer. Let it be noticed that Trip never attacked first, but because of his anger he became the aggressor. He drove Lazer back, overpowering him. Trip knew what he was doing; he was messing with the dark side. He was letting his anger control him. _Just like Anakin did. That's how he took down Dooku. _Trip knew now that if he killed Lazer he would be doing it out of vengeance. He fought two battles now; a new one had begun on the inside. That battle went like this:

I will kill Lazer because he needs to be stopped. I will not use my anger.

_But you are fighting better than you ever have. Can you not see the fear in his eyes? You have inflicted fear upon he who insists on inflicting it upon others._

Well he should be afraid, I have no fear.

_You do, you have great fear. Fear of losing the ones you love. Pain from letting the ones you love get hurt. Anger from the pain of loving one so greatly and she did not love you back. You loved her with all your heart and she did not love you back._

That has nothing to do with Lazer. She is not a Sith.

_But she broke your heart like one, and you gave it back for her to break it some more. You just were not good enough for her._

**I GAVE HER EVERYTHING I HAD! That was not my fault.**

_**But it still was not good enough.**_

**But it was my BEST! THAT'S ALL I COULD GIVE!**Trip was really feeling the pain now.

_The pain as a Jedi has made you weak, but as a Sith it could make you strong. You don't have to be an evil Sith. Lazer has hurt you badly as a child._

He was jealous and deprived. I had so many things he did not.

_His teeth were straight…. Yes… you remember now… Remember what he used to call you? Remember how they all used to laugh? Because they always laughed at you, you were left out of the games- just like in your younger days. More pain…._

Trip let out a growl upon this revelation and reflection. The voice was right, but it was not his own.

_Yes, it is you. I am you. I am your anger. I am your pain. I AM YOUR POWER! Now let me out, unleash your furry, your wrath. Kill Lazer and become a Sith and fulfill your destiny by avenging your pain, satisfying your anger. I have always been here, during your training you merely ignored me. But now you are grown, make your own decisions and let me out! The Jedi are weak. They are holding you back from true power!_

NO._** I am a Jedi Knight.**_ I have control over my emotions. I command you, BE SILENCED!

Trip felt a huge burden lift from his shoulders. Lazer saw this as his chance to strike.

"Now get yours, _carrot boy!_" There was that phrase again, but this time Trip was not angry nor was he hurt. Lazer sprang into the air somersaulting as he did so. Trip felt the force flow through him. He knew that Lazer's plan was to come down on top of him from the air; it was obvious. Trip extended a hand and used the force to stop Lazer's body midflight.

"Call me by my name, neophyte," Trip said through gritted teeth. He swung his arm and sent Lazer flying across the space. He heard a snap, two actually; One from a tree, the other probably Lazer's neck. Trip deactivated his lightsaber and picked up Lazers. He secured them both on his hilt.

He was relived he had finally defeated his rival, and pleased that he had exterminated a Sith. But that voice did not come from nowhere; it really was his. And though he had silenced it, it did not go away. He had a bigger battle to fight; one with himself. Trip knew he was just as far from being finished as he was from being happy. He hopped on a swoop and headed back to the temple to report his battle to the council. But he knew they already knew what had happened. But did they know of his inner battles? Were they wary of him like the old council was wary of Skywalker? Did they trust him? Shaking 

his head, Trip gunned the engines on his swoop. He was an expert pilot, just like Skywalker was. He had a lot in common with him. That would probably work against him.


	5. Dein Todd

"There are some things you cannot control, Trip," his master would say. He was right; the things he cared about the most were the things he could not control.

"We cannot control several things. We may be Jedi Knights, but we are still human. We make mistakes so let us not judge others for theirs. Whatever happened was not your fault. You cannot blame yourself. She made her own decision."

"That's what she told me," Trip replied.

"Who?"

"_HER_."

"Oh, her…. You still love her don't you Trip?"

"Yes Master, more than anybody could imagine." Trip knew there was no used trying to hide his feelings from his master. He knew he already knew them. so bad he could have cried, something he had not done since he was 8, and he was 18 now. "Yes, I still love her. And I miss her too, so much."

"Even after how she treated you?" Trip had told his master everything. He had met Master AT recently, only two years ago. He knew that if there was someone that would not judge him for his feelings it was him. He could tell that from the first time he met him. Under Grand Master Luke Skywalker's new order, Jedi were encouraged to love. They were even allowed to marry. Trip was sorry that he had not met him earlier. There was something about Master AT; he seemed kind, but he was strict. He was wise, but he knew he was once careless. He was a great teacher and an even better chess player. He was the only one who could match up with Trip in a game of chess. They would sit down to a game and talk. Most of the time they talked they would get in trouble for the time out of the day they would take. It was more than chess, Trip felt like he could tell this guy everything. And he would do just that.

Thinking about _HER_ made him sick to his stomach but he could not stop. The girl's real name was like poison; it would send a pang through him, so he did not say it unless he had too. She had not 

treated him right, yet he had made several mistakes too. Trip had made some mistakes that stopped him from giving his heart to people. She had just taken his.

"You are only human…" his master's words rang in his ears.

"No," Trips said, placing a hand on his hilt. "I am a Jedi Knight!" He detached his lightsaber and went to work on the training room. He left the room in scraps. He stood there releasing his blazing furry, panting from the effort. Scattered bags and durasteel lay on the ground around him. The whole room looked like an earthquake from the powerful force wave he had emitted. That was one of his tricks; if he could not do something, he told himself that if he could do that something, then she might like him. It worked every time. It was not wise to mess with Trip upon his reflection of her.

"Hey Trip," called a voice. Whoever this was, did not get that concept. Any moron could tell Trip was in pain.

Trip knew the voice well, Dein Todd's. "What do you want Todd?" Trip found himself annoyed with this guy more times than not. He thought he was soooo tough, he thought he was such an athlete, such a cool guy. This was a ruse; Trip knew he knows he's a dork.

"Since you are so energetic, do you want to spar?"

"You don't want to spar with me, Todd."

"Correction. It is you who does not want to spar. Are you afraid of losing?"

"You are not on my level. Compared to me, you are a mere neophyte."

"You need not be too cocky Trip."

"Not cocky, _confident, _right now, you are not ready to spar with me. You would not last thirty seconds."

"I'll show you! You are the one who needs to get on my level!" Dein charged igniting his lightsaber as he did so. Its ice blue blade seemed to only be activated for an instant, and then it disappeared. Trip had reached out a hand and used the force to snatch it from Todd's hands.

"Congratulations, eight seconds. Now close your mouth and take your lightsaber back."

"You will never underestimate me again Trip." Todd sent a training bag that Trip had dismantled earlier across the room and banged him with it. Trip had a powerful build, so the bag did not knock him over but he dropped Dein's lightsaber in the process of keeping on his feet. "I'm so sick of you. You think you are an exception just because you started your training late. You think that just because you had problems in the past, it is okay for you to destroy a training room. You are no better than the rest of us."

"Who is us, Todd? If you refer to our classmates do not forget to note that you all were recognized for everything. My contributions were overlooked."

"That's because you did not contribute anything, you had nothing to contribute. You did not like our kind."

"It was your kind that did not like me and mine. I did not have a problem with your "kind" but I do have a problem with people that have a problem with me. You, Todd, are a prime example. You see me in here dealing with my anger. Instead of trying to help me, you want to screw with me. So if it's a fight you want, let us proceed." Trip extended an arm and ignited his lightsaber.

"Now we are talking!" Dein replied igniting his own. He attacked, Trip took his defensive stance and parried a serious barrage from Dein. He immediately noticed that Dein had improved his skills. He drove him back with a combo series of his own. Dein whirled, turned, and kicked out at Trip. Trip ducked to avoid Dein's kick, but Dein already anticipated the evasive maneuver. He burned Trip on the thigh, as they were fighting with their sabers on low power. But Trip immediately struck back and installed a burn of his own on Dein's shoulder. He had learned that from fighting at home; when somebody hits you they expect you to be stunned from the blow. Instead of being stunned, Trip learned to suck it up and strike back immediately. Dein gave a yell of surprise. But they fought doggedly on. They struck and parried, dodged and ducked, always moving. They forced each other one way, then the other. They gave fakes and somersaulted trying to avoid the others power stroke. Dein fought well, but Trip was beginning to wear him out. Trip was an athlete and he was in excellent condition for his size. He had always worked 

tremendously hard at every sport he participated in; he was far from tiring. Left, Right, fake left, go back right, come under, strike again- Trip's attacks were relentless now. They locked up and Trip punched him in the face. Dein put a hand up to wipe the blood from his mouth. Trip struck again so that Dein was forced to parry with one hand. Trip was considerably stronger than Dein and the shock from the blow left his arm momentarily stunned. Trip kicked him in the stomach and hit him in the side with his sword. Burned, stunned, and beaten Dein lay still.

"I told you I wasn't what you wanted, Todd. Now get up and clean yourself up. Maybe now you will leave me alone," said Trip. As he began to walk away, he felt a surge of warning. He casually flicked a hand back that sent the attacking Dein flying back.

"You will pay Trip, you will pay!" Dein yelled painfully. Trip did not even turn around.


	6. Breakin the Record

It was late and Trip was exhausted. He had just finished his training for the day. Right before he got ready to lay on his sleep couch his comlink signaled. It was Master Skywalker.

"Trip," his voice was curt.

"Grand Master Skywalker?"

"I would like to talk to you in the council chambers."

"Now?"

"After you take a shower."

"It will be done." Trip cut the communication and jammed his comlink back in his belt. When you were called up for a personal conference with Grand Master Skywalker, you knew he did not just want to shoot the breeze. Actually Trip had a personal relationship with him. Many of the students at the academy thought that he was too important to waste time talking to them. Trip decided to give it a shot one day and found that Luke was a very understanding guy. But he never had much time to talk because he was so busy. Trip had been meaning to talk to him anyway, but not if he was in trouble. He hoped out the shower, put on his favorite pair of shorts and cut off shirt, put on his chrono, and headed down the hall. As he walked in the chamber doors, he saw that Luke had his back turned to the door and was looking out the wide viewscreen.

"Do you know how long it took for me to reset the training room Trip?"

"No."

"All day. But that is not why you are here. I noticed that the difficulty was on the highest setting. Whoever it was that ran the program last beat it in record time. The last record holder was my father, Anakin."

"I know no one has ever beaten that record. He was extremely talented was he not?"

"He was the chosen one, Trip. Many thought there was an error in the prophecy, that maybe it was misinterpreted. But in the end, Anakin did bring balance to the force; he killed the emperor and saved my life."

"I have always understood that."

"I know you have. And now you are the new record holder."

"I am!?" Trip could not believe it. He knew he had dismantled the room pretty quickly but he never thought that it was quick enough to beat Anakin's old time.

"What made you go so fast Trip?"

"Reflection, master."

"Were you angry?"

"Angry, sad, and hurt by the memories."

"All negative reflection?"

"No. There were good memories. We talked all the time….."

"Who?"

"Me and HER."

"Who is she?"

"The only girl I ever loved."

"The only one?"

"Well, just the first. But nevertheless, I really miss her."

"Is she dead?"

"No but she acts like it; she must have broke her comlink. She always was clumsy."

"And that used to make you angry?"

"Yes, because she would hurt herself. People would laugh at her just like they used to laugh at me. She deserved better than me."

"Why, because you thought she was a better person?"

"She was."

"But you were more mature."

"Only because I was older. She was kind and caring."

"You were not?"

"Not as much. People never used to like me, remember?"

"Even from childhood?

"Even from childhood."

"She would make mistakes though."

"I made worse ones."

"So the whole deal was her fault right? That's what it sounds like."

"I thought it was at first, but now that I have had so many nights to reflect, I see that it was mine."

"All nights which were sleepless of course?"

"Certainly, how did you guess?"

"You look tired Trip."

"Well I get up early ever morning to work out."

"Are you not strong enough?"

"For a Jedi maybe, but not for a next level athlete."

"What makes you think you have to go to the next level?"

"Because I have a lot of people to prove wrong. They all told me I couldn't do it. I am as much of an athlete as I am a Jedi Knight."

"I know that you are Trip. But there is one more thing. Dein Todd came into the med room badly burned. He said you attacked him."

"What else did he say?"

"That he saw you in pain and was only trying to help you but you insulted him and charged. He said that he was only trying to defend himself."

"_Todd_." Trip said through clenched teeth, while a hand drifted to his hilt. "You don't really believe that do you Master Skywalker?'

He smiled.

"No Trip, I don't. I know you never attack first. I am proud of you Trip. You have contributed a lot to this academy. You are ready."

"Ready for what?" but Luke did not answer. He did not have to; Trip understood now. He let his hand drift back down to hilt again. But this time it was not for his lightsaber, it was for his comlink. He turned and left preparing himself for whatever he was about to experience; he was going to try and raise her on the comlink.

"Hey Trip!" a voice called. Here we go again huh?

"Oh, Master AT?"

"You did not get in trouble with Master Skywalker did you?"

"No, I beat Anakin's training room record."

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"I am the new record holder."

"No one has ever beaten that record! How did you do it?"

"Reflection."

"Of HER?"

"Yeah."

"You want to talk about it?"

"You know I am kind of hungry."

"On me then." They went and got something to eat, and pulled out the chess board. Just when Trip thought he was about to relax, his comlink signaled.

"Aw, man………"

"What?"

"This can't be right….. forget it I don't have time. Make your move Master."

"You sure, Trip?" Master AT inquired further in his clipped accent.

"Yes, I need to focus."

"Hard to focus with no sleep young knight."

"That is only fixed one way, and that is successfully contacting HER."

"Are you afraid Trip?"

"No! I fear no man! How many times do I have to keep saying that?"

"She is not a man. Does Master Skywalker think you are ready?"

"He said that I was."

"Well, it is eleven chronos, do you think she is still up?"

"Teenagers my age do not go to sleep until three and four chronos in the morning."

"It is time to stop letting HER memory haunt you." Trip's hand drifted to his hilt for his comlink.

"It will always haunt me unless…….."

"Unless what?"

"Unless HER heart magically changes."

"You could try a mind trick." Master AT suggested jokingly.

"Those only work on the weak minded!" Trip snapped, not amused.

"And what makes HER mind so strong?"

"Master she has been able to convince me that what happened that night was not my fault."  
"It wasn't Trip, she made her own decision." Some time ago Trip had been with a friend when she was 

shot and hit by a speeder. A fight had broken out, and Trip had not been able to tap into the force quick enough to save her. He had always been convinced that it was his fault. That had he have been a better Knight, she might still be living. She was the only girl that ever admitted that she liked Trip. Trip never forgave his self until he talked to HER. She did not understand the ways of his native area and he tried to explain. She did not care. She wore him out with the argument that even if he was Grand Master, she still made her own decision. Trip had, after all warned her to stay away from the fight. He had even grabbed her by the arm but she was persistent. What good was all his strength if he could not hold a girl by the arm? But she changed his mind, just another reason why his heart ached.

He had to end this. It would never end, but he could try. He tried to raise HER on the comlink and surprisingly it went through, only she did not respond. Instead Trip's comlink signaled. It was one of his friends; she was crying. Trip sighed, the only time girls called him was when they were crying about something. To Trip crying was a sign of weakness. He never cried, but he knew he was full of weakness. He switched his comlink to visual and went outside the temple, one of his favorite places to talk.

"Trip, why doesn't he like me?" she said through tears.

"I don't know."  
"But he is your best friend, you guys are like brothers." She was referring to one of the three remaining players.

"He just-"  
"I have given him everything!"

"And it still wasn't enough? Welcome to my life." Trip replied bluntly.

"My situation is worse! You haven't done half as much for HER, as I have done for him." Trip was about to get ticked when his comlink signaled again. It was HER, signaling him back!

"Don't have time for this." Trip cut the communication and switched over.

"Hi." She said.

Trip almost could not respond he was so happy. Somewhere on top of the temple, Grand Master Skywalker smiled.


	7. True Love

Trip was stunned. He had not talked to HER since he became a full Jedi Knight. She had told him that she would be crying during the ceremony. She had not. They had always been friends; just one of them had strong feelings for the other. Trip did everything he could, but she never felt the same way. It broke his heart. Not many knew about Trip's troubles. He would walk around the academy obviously distressed. His peers would ask him what was wrong and he always responded nothing. He knew they did not understand. But they did know that something was different about Trip and the difference was attractive even if they thought that Trip wasn't. He soon found him himself with a lot of friends. Back when he was not liked, he and Dein used to be friends. But Trip made his mistake in telling him a little too much about his home town. Trip never said "I love you," to anybody before he met HER. But the kids at the academy always said it. They would try saying it to Trip but he would just look at them blankly. Wouldn't he say it back? No, he would not. Why not? Because they did not mean it, he did not either; he just was not going to waste his breath.

Trip always had trouble with self confidence. Before he became a Jedi, he was weak and un athletic. He was never liked by any of the girls that he liked, but he had a lot of friends and was a happy kid. But he was always made fun of. Therefore he never has self confidence. But when he became a knight, he became a player too. He would go back home to his old town and see some of his old friends. They would not be able to process how much more powerful Trip had become. They were used to the old Trip. The Trip that used to be scared. The new Trip had no fear, but he still had problems.

He often could not shake the feeling that he would disappoint his masters. At first he did not care. But then he would disappoint himself. Trip was a good knight, but he knew he could be better. He never held himself back, but he always exercised self control. Trip was the eldest of many siblings. Jedi Knights were big on patience, but the multitude of children needing to be cared for reiterated this character trait. He was forced to become a grown man at the age of eleven. So instead of accepting the new responsibility his parents hit him with, he reacted with anger and bitterness. That same anger and 

bitterness still remained in him. Part of it always would. His friends would go out and have fun while Trip was demanded home to care for his brothers and sisters. There were six of them. One was always crying the other needed attention, another was hungry, another could not find their sippy-cup. Pacifiers, bottles, diapers, Trip dealt with the whole deal. He had a rough enough time a school. The times he used to have at the house made school seem like the great escape. Often times he failed them. They needed him but his patience was done. They would ask him for something and he would ignore them. He would yell at them and scream at them. He would hit them once and hit them again. He would tell them to shut up and that he needed to get away from them. No kid his age deserved such a lifestyle. Back then even Trip still thought he was a good kid. He knew that he deserved better.

But when he met HER, she trusted him, and he trusted her. He told her everything, and when he was talking to her, none of that mattered. He was happy. He never talked much about his past around his peers, and when he was questioned about it, he deferred the question. But he told her everything. He told her about the brothers and sisters, he told her about the gangs and the kids in school who always laughed at him. He told her about the girls who he could never earn their favor, and how it was an embarrassment to them if they were seen talking to him. He told her about his father, he told her about his mother. He told her about the girl who was murdered. He could tell her anything and he did tell her everything. But the one thing he never could tell her was that he loved her. He had never loved any other girl. He loved her so much that when she hurt herself he was angry that she was hurt. He loved her so much that if he heard a rumor about a drink that it could be potentially harmful to a person's health fifty years in the future, he would throw it away and buy her a new one. Every Valentine's Day he bought her at least a hundred credits worth of merchandise, which was a big deal for Trip, because he was not rich like every other kid at the academy. When she hurt her shoulder, she laughed but he was enraged. His heart would ripple with pain from the thought of HER shouting in pain. He was so hurt that he gave her his stuffed frog George. George was special to Trip. George was there 

for him when no one else was. All he did was stared back at Trip but at least he was there. Parting with him was hard, and she sensed it, and promised to give him back-voluntarily. She said jokingly that he might still need him. Whenever he was in a rough spot, she was always therefore him. She believed in Trip, she was confident in him. Through every struggle, through every travesty, she stood by him and encouraged him. She would even come to some of his ball games. His parents rarely came. She believed in Trip when Trip did not believe in himself. The only struggle she could not help him through however, was winning over her heart.

What caught Trip was the first time he met her. She was walking with a friend. They had their arms linked so it could be surmised that they were good friends. Trip offered his own arm, and she flashed him a smile. He fell in love with her then and there. Everything about her was beautiful. Her smile, her walk, her arm that was linked in his (his was considerably darker than hers.) He then remembered that she was in one of his classes. He never acted the same in that class again because he did not want to make a negative impression on her. He was absolutely beautiful. He had never met anybody else like her. She asked him for a favor, instantly trusting Trip to aid her. He did and that night there was a dance. She danced with him. Nobody else had wanted to dance with Trip. He said that not many girls trusted him because of his foreign ways. She replied that they were stupid. She said that she trusted him completely and moved closer to him during their dance. Trip almost suffocated from the love that was taking control of him. He loved her more than he ever thought possible. He thought that he would never love any girl because none of them loved him. But he loved her badly.

It is this kind of reflection that caused Trip to destroy the training room. It is this kind of reflection that always causes Trip's hand to fly to his hilt. He had given her everything he had to give her. He knew that she cared about him, but he could not yet tell her he loved her until he found out how she felt. He thought that since everything up until this point had gone wrong, that things had to go right for him for once. She had to like him. He loved her with all of his heart and he was willing to step out on a 

limb and admit it. But he was not brave enough o say it aloud, so he settled for writing it in a letter. They always wrote each other letters. Trip did not even look forwards to his ball games as much as he did one of her letters. He just knew in his heart that she would say that she liked him too, it was inevitable. It was impossible for any one person to love someone that much and they not love them back. Nothing is impossible, she only liked him as a friend. That was the first time Trip ever felt his heart break.


	8. He won't

Trip wasn't done. People only tried to raise him on the comlink when they were having problems. Nobody seemed to contact him to see how he was doing. Either they were crying, had a problem, or they were bored.

_That's because you are not worthy of personal attention, Trip. You do not matter enough for your "friends" to try and check on you. _That voice again.

People have their own problems and they should not waste their time worrying about mine.

_But everybody likes attention; you know it bothers you that they don't._

It does not mean that they do not care.

_Do they ever listen to you Trip? You try and help them and they do not listen they just come up with more problems._

And that means I should stop trying?

_Yes. This is why the dark side is superior to the light side of the force. A Sith does not concern himself with others problems. _

Helping people, helping beings is what I do. I am a Jedi Knight.

_Well you are a terrible Knight. You have anger, you have hate, you have pain, and you have resentment. A Jedi does not have such things._

Yes they do, every Jedi does. Every Jedi, every person has something of their own that they have to deal with. Jedi are not inerrant.

_You were not good enough for HER, Trip. You gave her your all._

I gave her everything.

_Credits, gifts, time, trust, and companionship._

I gave her my heart.

_You had never given it out prior._

She deserved it. She was everything to me……….

When Trip got angry he went for a walk. When he heard a girl scream, Trip had a flashback. When he was fourteen he knew a girl his age who like to talk junk. The girl became pregnant, and she still talked junk. One day he saw her jumped. She was kicked in the stomach. Miraculously the baby lived, but the girl died. Trip was powerless as a knight then, and there was no way he could have taken all those people. But he promised himself that he would never let that happen again. He lengthened his already purposeful stride and put a hand on his hilt. He saw a man and a young girl. He knew the girl; she was one of his friends. She used to cut herself until Trip was able to convince her to stop. All she needed was a good friend and Trip was able to be that friend. Now here this girl was, about to be raped by this man.

"What are you doing to her?" Trip demanded.

"Trip! Please help me!" the girl cries.

"Shut up! Everything is good. You needn't concern yourself with the girl, she is my niece. She is not well and I am trying to take her home." The man responds curtly.  
"Trip don't let him hurt me!" the girl is desperate now.

"I said shut up! Now be quiet and get in the car. I have everything under control, kid." The man responds bluntly.

"No, I do. Release her," Trip commanded.

"You are just a kid. You cannot save this girl. Troubles not worth your life," said the man as he snapped his fingers. Suddenly fifteen heavily armed battle droids with power blasters appeared from the shadowed ally. "Stand down and walk away." Trip ignited his lightsaber.

"You are messing with a Jedi Knight. You should have released her."

"You are not a true Knight, you are a mere teenager. There is no way that you can stand up to all fifteen of my battle droids."

"Have it your way then. But if you were not as concerned as you say, then why send all fifteen?" They opened fire, but Trip was already leaping. He deflected the blaster fire with his lightsaber and brought 

down an elbow on a droid's head, aided by the force. It hit the ground and exploded. Fourteen left, Trip thought to himself. Trip could barely be seen as he streaked across the space, closing gaps and deflecting fire. He used the force to slam one into another. Both were still shooting but their fire hit each other. He used his lightsaber to make quick work of the remaining ones and finally buried his lightsaber into the last remaining droid. Trip's breathing could be heard over the smoking piles of junk heap. He deactivated his lightsaber and kicked a severed droid's head out of his way.

"Now you understand, I hope."

"No, you had better understand," said the man through clenched teeth as he produced a blaster. He pushed the barrel up against the girl's head. "Make another move and her head is blasted.

"Trip please, don't let him hurt me!" the girl was crying severely now.

"He won't."

Trip reached out with the force and let it flow through him. He had to ignore his trembling heart. He would not let anything happen to this girl. Once he had a dream that she was killed, and Trip was not strong enough to save her. Much like the ones Anakin used to have about his mom. But he knew he was strong enough. He used the force to crush the blaster in the man's hand and ripped it from his grasp. He then used the crushed butt of the blaster to slam into the back of the man's skull, all projected by the force. He lay still.

"I told you he wouldn't," Trip said smiling at the girl.

"I was afraid that he was going to abuse me again," she said through tears. "It would not have been the first time." Trip grabbed her by the hand and turned over her wrist. Just like he feared; she had been cutting herself again, he could see the new scars. He continued to hold her hand and he looked her straight in the face.

"He will never harm you again."

"He used to do terrible things…. And my parents never listen. They just hollered and cursed at me. They would go on vacation and leave me with him."

"He will never harm you again," Trip repeated. "But you cannot harm yourself anymore either. Hand over your viroblade." Then as he held her hand tighter he said, "I will always be here for you."

She obviously took comfort in that because once they reached Trip's speeder she fell asleep. She rested her head on his powerful shoulder and slept soundly. It seemed like she had not been able to sleep peacefully for a long time. He sat in the speeder and reclined the seat looking at the moon, one of his favorite things to do, his hand still firmly grasped in hers.

His heart was racing. He had finally been able to save someone he cared about. He loved this girl now too, but he would never tell her that. He would never again tell any girl that. His heart had put up a shield, reinstated by the force that did not allow for him to give his heart out ever again. There was a full moon in the sky. Trip had always liked to color and draw; when he was younger it kept him out of trouble, as did sports. But he had never been able to master the art of drawing a night sky lit up by its light. The moon was beautiful, _just like she was. _He let her sleep. She did not think she was beautiful, she told him once that she was very ugly. He shook his head. True enough, to the average guy she was not considered to be stunning. But to him she was beautiful. He had always liked her for who she was. She made mistakes just like every other human being did. But there was something about her. They had met one day when he saw her sitting alone crying. He tried to ask her what's wrong she shook him off saying that he had never been through what she had. Trip had to admit now, that he had never been sexually abused, but he had always grown up with a sense of failure.

_That's because you are a failure. _The voice again, two times in one night. Actually by now it was probably morning.

This is getting old.

_I am always here for you. Your true conscious reporting for duty sir!_

You are not my ally. You are my enemy. Trip told the voice bluntly.

_I am working with you. Remember earlier? I was agreeing with you. I know how you feel._

That is because you have always been with me, and it is high time I let you go.

_Why don't you deal with your aching heart first Trip?_

I am right now.

_Her hand is not the one you want to be holding. You can never hold that hand. I know what happens late at night Trip, when you cannot sleep. You just stare at your two pathetic pictures of HER._

And you continue this pathetic attempt to turn me. One must always be true to himself.

_Then admit how bad she hurt you. Stop trying to protect HER, she broke you heart over and over again. She screwed you over. _

It was my own fault.

_And after all of that you still love her._

After all of that, I still love her.

_Why because you are stupidly weak and emotional?_

No, because she was there for me when everybody else wasn't even while you and everybody else was working against me and did not believe in me.

_She does not care about you._

She told me she did.

_Just not in the way you wanted._

SILENCE!

_YOU LOVED HER WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAD AND SHE DID NOT LOVE YOU BACK……….._

Because I was not good enough for her. She deserved someone better than I. You can take you suggestions to-

He was done arguing with that stupid voice. She was everything to him, and he would not let the voice turn him against her. All of his peers tried, but they never succeeded. Trip would have loved to hate 

HER. But he also knew that he had caused her pain too. But she had forgiven him. The vision of him causing her pain hurt him more than anything. That pain hurt too bad….

He piloted the speeder with one hand while he still held the girl's hand in the other.


	9. Real Heart, Trip

Trip reactivated the training program. He pushed the limits of the program forcing it beyond the limit of its highest difficulty. No Jedi, not even Grand Master Skywalker one of the greatest swordsman ever, dared to push the program this far. Trip pushed harder; the voice was right, he just was not good enough. But feeling sorry for himself would not fix that. PROGRAM INICIATING, the computer reported. Trip ignited his lightsaber. Its familiar weight was reassuring in his palm, the ice teal blaze burning fiercely. He was attacked by training bags, bricks were projected at him. He punched, kicked, and slashed the bags and used the force to toss the bricks feebly aside. The room began to spin and the floor began shift, making his footing uneven. The lights flickered and a crimson blade was ignited. It was Darth Lazer! Wait, Trip came to his senses, he had no fear. He knew the program was stimulating his mind. He dodged a passing brick and caught in mid flight just like he did the first time he fought Lazer. He flung the brick with all of his might and it staggered the enemy. Trip reached out and calmly cut the droid's head of and severed it at the torso for good measure. Three more blades, three more droids, Trip was no longer under the illusion that they were Lazer. He made quick work of them all. The bricks stopped flying, the floor became still, and the lights came back on. Trip was not fooled. The light instantly flickered back off. Now he was being attacked by images of the mind. Pictures and scenarios of his life flashed before him. The people he loved, the people he cared about, all being tortured and destroyed. The people he had failed and let die cried out to him an accused him of being a failure.

A beam of force lighting streaked across the space and knocked Trip's lightsaber out of his hand. He swore. As long as he was not being shot at he was okay. He was better at hand to hand combat anyway and he was still a master swordsman. He took the battle droids head on toe to toe. They were equipped with blades and hammer fists. Trip took them all while one droid came after the other until he became surrounded. Just like the old days Trip thought to himself, bring them all on! He did not care he would destroy every program that came his way. Left, right, left, left, left, right, kick, jab, hook, slam. Trip did not need his lightsaber. He was brutalizing everything. He threw a haymaker at a droid and it wisely 

ducked and Trip left a hole in the wall. He knew he would win, there was no doubt in his mind. He would boss this program just like he bossed the school. He punched and he fought, he ducked and he dodged. He took blows and gave them back. He palmed a droids head and smashed it on the ground. He looked up and it seemed as if that was the last one. At least forty droids were lying on the ground around him. Then the final droid appeared. It was at least thirteen feet tall. Now Trip was only six feet tall but if you think that he was intimidated then think again. He called his lightsaber to his hand and leaped to engage his final obstacle. But as he prepared to attack, HER FACE APPEARED- ON THE DROID. This was wack, he could not even train without thinking about HER. His mind suddenly became heavily assaulted with images of the mind. HER face, HER smile, HER laugh, HER walk. The memories were enough alone to make Trip fall to his knees giving the droid leave to smack Trip over the head. He tasted blood in his mouth. This is why Jedi did not love back in the old days. Trip was powerless. He would not attack the droid. He used the force to push it off of him. His force connection was weak, its flow became a trickle. Perhaps he could not handle the program after all. But he would not call for help. He would take the beating, he would take what he deserved. He stood up with grim resolve and crossed his arms over his chest, preparing for attack. But he was preparing for physical assault and what the droid did next was completely unexpected; it used its secret weapon. He was attacked by his most painful memory.

………………………. Trip had a basket ball game and he usually spent pregame at his friend's house. But this time he did not go. He wished he would have. Instead he spent the time talking to HER "best friend." It was all good at first until she began to gossip. Now Trip never listened to gossip. His parents had taught him well on that issue. But for some reason Trip bought it this time. The girl was telling him that SHE WAS ALLOWING HERSELF TO BE USED BY THE GUY SHE LIKED THAT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HE. The things that the girl told Trip were terrible, so terrible the writer isn't even compelled to relate them. And Trip believed all of it. That night he did not sleep. Instead, he tried to raise HER on the comlink. She did not recognize the transmission. So Trip left a message through his datapad. He accused her of 

everything he was told. He was so hurt that he could not function. He could not eat. He could not sleep. All he could do was sit there, at his datapad, and hurt- terribly. He could not shake the feeling that was forming on the inside of him. It was not a knot, it was not a web, it was both. It throbbed and shook. It rocked him to the core. The next night he received a message from HER via datapad. They used to communicate through the datapad all the time, but she never did anymore, therefore he did not expect her to respond, but she did. A lot of things were said but the thing that killed Trip was a simple paragraph.

"_Thanks for making me cry Trip. People talk about me all of the time. I thought you were my friend, and you would not do that to me. I thought you different. I thought you told me that I meant the world to you. Apparently not. Usually, if I think you are mad, it troubles me. But now I am mad. You have finally succeeded in offending me. But I guess since you believe all of this, __then maybe you do not care about me as much as you say you do. In fact, this leaves me to believe that you do not care about me at all. I do not care if you ever talk to me again, because I will be fine with that."_

Trip darn near passed out. Something on the inside of him exploded. His breath left him, and his lungs cried out and he was sure he was going to die……………….

Trip dropped to his knees. It was his worst memory ever. That feeling began to invade him again.

"I am so sorry!" Trip cried out painfully. The droid reached out and smack him again. Then again, he was brutalizing Trip now. Trip's world began to go dark, he could not handle the emotional pain anymore. He released his anger. His anger at his parents.(for giving him so much responsibility all his life.) His anger at his friends. (for leaving him alone at his school and breaking their promises.) His anger at his coaches.(for telling him he could never be a next level athlete.) His anger at his brothers and sisters. (for never cooperating with him.) His anger at his teachers. (for never giving him a break when he was falling asleep in class, because he was up all night doing their work.) His anger at his peers. (for always talking 

about him, leaving him out of the games and the clubs, and judging him.) And his anger at himself, for not being good enough but Trip had tried everything he could.

If he was not strong enough, he could keep lifting.

If he was not cool enough, he could fit in.

If he was not fast enough, he could train harder.

If he was not smart enough, he could study harder.

If he was too smart, he could simplify things.

If he was too mean, he could be nicer.

If he was too curt, he could spend more time on formalities.

If he was too light, he could act darker.

If he was too critical, he could lighten up.

If he liked someone who did not like him, he could like someone else.

_**But if she broke his heart, then only she could fix it. **_

That's what got Trip- she always did fix it. He would get mad at HER, and then she would feel bad and Trip felt even worse than when she was doing him wrong. Or when he thought she was. He knew that she probably wasn't, but that is what everybody told him. But he knew she did not think that she was in the wrong, but she was sorry she hurt him. They always agreed to remain friends. How is it possible that someone can love somebody so much, and they not love them back? But then again Trip remembered that everybody else got the fairy tale endings. He would do anything for her. He would give HER the shirt off his back, the shoes off his feet. Anything. If he could chose between a championship ring in one of his sports or just holding HER hand, he would take the hand. Even if it was for five minutes. Whap! The droid smacked him again.

"Trip!" it was Master AT. "Trip I know it hurts, but you have to fight back." Whap!

"I can't do it," Whap! Trip grunted as it hit him again.

"It is not HER, it is a droid!" Whap!

"Yes it is, I only see HER face." Whap! Blood drenched Trip's tunic by now.

"Imagine how she would feel if she was here now! First she would not want to see you getting beat, second she would want you to win, and finally she might try to help you! She is not a Jedi, the droid would destroy HER!" Trip thought about how pathetic she might think he was if she saw him, because only he could see her face. Master AT could not stand to see his apprentice willingly be brutalized.

But he did not have to any longer. The image of the droid attacking HER was enough. He called his lightsaber to his hand and severed the droids arm, and it hit Trip with the other one. Trip used the force to pull the droid to him and sent it back the other way with a tremendous punch. He punched the droid so hard, his knuckles began to bleed. As soon as it hit the wall, Trip cut its other arm and both legs off in three furious strikes. The droid head butted Trip where it had smacked him earlier causing him twice the pain. Trip deactivated his lightsaber and punched the droid's head off. He hit it over and over again until he had flattened it. The droid's head was made of metal, and Trip had just punched it flat. Everybody else needs a vibrohammer for that. As Trip prepared to strike again, Master AT caught his fist which was bleeding terribly.

"Trip that's enough, you've won. You have set another record and bossed another level of the program."

"I have not won anything."

"You won the fight Trip."

"That stupid droid was hardly an opponent without stimulating my mind."

"No Trip, I speak of a different battle; the one with yourself."

"No, Master AT, I have not yet defeated that stupid voice. It has been dominating me as of late. It seems like everything it says is evil, but it is all true."

"Do you hear the voice anymore Trip?"

He did not.

"That is because you have won, Trip. One must always stay true to himself. You have stayed true to your heart. You love HER and you know it. You did not try and convince yourself otherwise."

"But it means nothing if she does not love me back."

"All that matters is that you know you love HER. No matter what, that is the bravest thing I have ever seen anybody do. No one else I know can stand up to themselves and acknowledge their feelings. Despite being treated wrong, despite being judged, despite having their hearts constantly being broken. Trip you are every bit a true Jedi Knight, because while everybody else would have given it up by now, and cursed the person, you continue on with your burden."

"It hurts so bad."

"I know it does. I can feel the pain inside of you. You Trip, are now one of the greatest Jedi Knights of all time. Now pick up your lightsaber, young Knight and raise HER on the comlink."

Trip raised his head and inserted his lightsaber back in his hilt. His head had cooled down, but his heart was on fire. He turned to leave the training area.

"Hey Trip?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember what I always told you."

"There is always a way?"

"There is ALWAYS a way."


	10. Happiness

Trip hated the word obsessed. To the average person, it may seem like Trip is obsessed. To the average Jedi, it may seem like Trip is plagued by his youth like attachments. But to a good Jedi or an observant person, Trip is a fighter. Master AT was right. It takes real guts and grit to do what Trip does. The writer sends his assurances. But whether or not Trip is a hero, or a complete fool, is completely up to the reader.

Trip knew he was not obsessed, it was a degrading term and that's why he hated it. But he did have a situation. It was a big one at that. But in any event he could not fix that situation. He knew he was in control of his own destiny, but was not in control of other people's emotions. He always wished he could have no emotions, but then that would make him a Sith. But if he had too much emotion, it just made him a fool. Trip was no fool, but he did have a lot of emotion. He used to be happy a lot. Then he used to be depressed. And then he simply became motivated. Everything he did he would do to better himself, for HER. When he was lifting, when he was working, coaching, training, leading- it didn't matter. Whatever he needed to do he did it. Now all he had to do was raise HER on the comlink.

"Hi." she said. Trip was caught; he did not expect her to answer.

"What's good?"

"Not much- you?"

"Same."

"Why, aren't you out of the academy?"

"Yeah, but that does not fix anything."

"But I thought you hated it there."  
"I did, but it prepared me for life, and more importantly it gave me a home."

"But what good is a home that nobody likes you in."

"Upon my moving out, I found that I had way more friends than I thought."

"You always had me." Trip grunted at this.

"Forget about my problems what has been bothering you?"

"Did you just turn eighteen?"

"Yeah- hey! Stop deferring my questions!" She laughed, and he did too.

"What did you get?"

"Thirty credits and a coloring book."

"That all?"

"Yeah my father said he was going to get me a new speeder, the new DAV."

"He didn't?"

"No he did not."

"You didn't ask him about it?"

"I did not."

"Oh."

"Uh huh."

"Well I am going to give you a present."

"You really do have to-."

"No! I am getting you a present!"

"Yes mamm!" Trip smiled and silently saluted.

"Okay lieutenant, stand down, at ease."

"A sandwich perhaps commander?"

"Peanut butter actually."

"Like them huh?"

"I could eat em all day."

"Sorry, but our science department has yet to create a matter transporter."

"I guess you will just have to hand deliver it huh?"

"Not possible." She frowned.

"Why not?"

"Because I do not know where you reside."

"So you want to meet up?" It was something that they always talked about but never could manage to do. Trip's heart jumped in his throat, or what he had left of it anyway.

"I was hoping it would be okay with you."

"Uhhhh, well I did just ask you, did I not?"

"Yeah but I mean-"

"That I am always busy and you are too?"

"Do not worry about me, this opportunity, I will make time. It is your schedule it depends on."

"I'm not working next week."

"You just name the time and the place and I will be there."

"Ok. Well can I try and raise you tomorrow?"

"Of course you can. Anytime."

"Why did I even ask?"

"Good question."

"Well I am so you better accept the transmission."

"I always do, you just have to send it."

"I will."

"And I will accept."

Trip could have hit a back flip he was so happy. Just talking to HER again was enough to make him forget about all his problems. Now, he had something to look forward to. Or did he? She had a boyfriend now. What else was new, Trip thought. When he first started talking to HER four years ago, she tried to tell him that she was not pretty and that she did not have many boyfriends. Good, Trip 

thought. But he told HER exactly what the reader knows, that she was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She did not believe him, and he could not stress it enough. Apparently somebody else shared his views, because that was when Trip was dealt his first blow. She got a boyfriend at their same academy right before Trip was about to make his own move. He was used to acting to fast, and always receiving the same result: rejection. But this time Trip was confident that things would work out. Besides, these were the times that they would talk all night long, and it was killing Trip how he could not tell HER how he felt at the end of their conversations. He wanted to be able to tell HER he loved her.

Because he really did with all of his heart.


	11. Outing

She had to go. Why did she have to go? It wasn't fair. Trip reached out with the force and tried to calm his stormy mind. He was so tired; he never slept anymore. He had managed to raise HER on the comlink and had thus reawakened his feelings for HER. He was happy and heartbroken at the same time. These days heartbroken seemed like his normal state of being. So when people asked him how he was doing and he responded fine, he really just meant heartbroken. He could not help himself if he wanted to…….

……….._They were out- together- the two of them- by themselves. Some would have called it a date. Others would call it a simple outing. But Trip called it extreme happiness. He had not seen HER since he had became a full Jedi Knight and that was two months ago._ She looked older and she was wearing glasses. She had her braces_ off as well. She looked more beautiful to Trip than anything he had ever seen in his life. When she came out of her residence to get into Trip's speeder, he went around to open the door for her._

"_Oh," she said._

"_What, you've never ridden in a speeder before? What do you drive?"_

"_No it's not that, it's just that I have never had a guy open a door for me before."_

"_Hmm, well that's because you have never been out with me before; I hope you don't mind, because you are going to have to get used to it."_

_They got lost. Trip did not know where he was going; he did not reside in these parts._

"_Sorry, I basically just sent you in a big circle."_

"_S' ok. I rather get lost with you than know where I am with anybody else."_

_When they arrived at their destination, they were informed that their planned activity was closed for the night. But there was an arcade so they just played the games. Trip tried not to beat her too bad, and let her win a few. Trip could barely contain himself he was so happy. His usual reserve was gone and was just regular old Trip. He did not have to live up to anybody's expectations. Right then, he was not a Jedi Knight and he did not have to pretend like he was or wasn't. He let himself go, he let himself have fun. He _

_wasn't angry or upset or worried about anything. He spent credits like they did not mean a thing, and right then and there, they did not. They laughed and played. They made fun of each other and competed at the games they played. Both were athletes and their competitive spirits did not allow them to let the other win any. It was her turn to pick and she picked a child's game. Trip used one hand while she used two. She barely beat him, but she accused him of letting her win._

"_You let me win," she said, pouting and crossing her arms._

"_No, I just wanted to see if my left hand was faster than both of yours."_

"_Looks like you lose, Mr. Left hand superior."_

"_It is my turn to pick next."_

"_So pick."_

"_Basketball?"_

"_Are you crazy I don't stand a chance, you are a basketball player."_

"_You wouldn't know that from coming to the games."_

"_Hey! I have been to a few."_

"_Two, exactly."_

"_Well how many have you played these past years?"_

"_About sixty or so."_

"_Oh, sorry Trip I am just so busy." Her comlink signaled to prove her point._

"_You came when it counted." He always played hard, but he played especially hard when she came. "Look, you don't have to pretend, if you have stuff to take care of, then my all means." Trip knew it was probably her boyfriend wondering where she was and who she was with. Trip could deal with that later, right now he had her company and he would not let him ruin it. He was a Jedi Knight so he did not hate the boy, but when he pictured him doing the things that Trip wanted to do so badly it was enough to make him very, very, angry._

"_No, some people just do not understand I –have- to- go." She jammed her comlink back in her hilt._

"_Ok, well time to get beat at some more games!" With a grin they both turned to search for the next game to play. Trip won most of them, but for him whether or not he won did not matter, competitor or not. He was just having fun being with the one he loved. He did not have to pretend, and she did not either. They were both just themselves. But when two people are able to do that with each other, doesn't that mean they were meant for each other? We all must accept that some things are not meant to be. But Trip couldn't accept that. There was always a way. They played on._

_Then they found one she was good at. It was a simulation blaster riffle game. She was a pretty good shot. So they spent the rest of their credits on that game. When they ran out, they proceeded to get something to eat. He was too excited to eat. He could not stop looking at her. He could not believe what he was doing. Now Trip was a Jedi Knight, and Jedi Knights are the masters of "looking without seeming to look." So let us not have the reader awarded with the misconception that he was just sitting there staring at her. She was unaware of that, but she did pick up that he was not eating. He was not eating because her comlink had just signaled and apparently her father had a problem with her being out, and he was yelling at her. Trip did not extend his force awareness in order to hear what was being said; he did not want to. He was not hungry anymore. He slammed his fork down._

"_That was my dad."_

"_And he was yelling at you."_

"_How did you know?"_

"_I could tell by how you responded."_

"_Yeah he just gave me a curfew."_

"_Understandable. But I knew this was going to happen."_

"_What was going to happen?" Trip didn't answer, and he did not pick his fork back up either._

"_Well I am not going to eat either."_

"_But- oh forget it, let's go." Now normally Trip would be against wasting credits but we all know he did not care. When they got back to her residence, he got out and opened her door. She presented him with her present, and then she went to get George for him. Let us remember that George was Trip's old stuffed frog that he always talked to. He gave him to her because she had hurt her arm. He hugged George._

"_You really should keep him, you know, you might need him."_

"_Let me ask him if he thinks his mission is completed. Well?" looking down at him._

_He didn't. He handed him back to her._

"_Well I guess we will just have to hang out again so you can get him back before you leave."_

"_Ok, you just have to hold on to him for a little while longer, and I will get him back next time."_

"_Well I guess I better go now." She hugged him. Trip never wanted to let her out of his embrace. But he forced himself to, only to embrace her again. Trip never said bye, he simply just turned to leave. ………_

…………_. _

"_**Trip!"**_

"_**Mamm?" **_

"_**I just realized something."**_

"_**And that is…"**_

"_**That I love you."**_

"_**Sorry, say what now?"**_

"_**Trip, I love you."**_

_**He could not move.**_

_**He could not breathe.**_

_**He could not react.**_

Instead he screamed, and woke up. The first part was all true. The second was a dream. Trip swore repeatedly. He punched the wall until the scars on his knuckle began to bleed again. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did he have to be tortured so badly? Why couldn't she just love him? Why?

Now he saw what Anakin dealt with.

The light side had nothing to offer.

He was already unhappy.

At least with the dark side he could have power and control.

But he still would not be able to control HER. And besides that, he was just as powerful as any Sith. This was how Anakin was seduced. The power. It must have been more appealing to him than it was to Trip because he was dealing with the fear of losing the one he loved. It was probably worst for him because she loved him back. Why?

He went over to the mirror and looked at himself. He noticed that people had been telling him that he had paint in his hair. There was no paint, he had a few white hairs. _He was eighteen years old and his hair was already turning white._ They say that early discoloration of the hair is a sign of extreme stress. Trip used to be stressed out when he was younger, back when he used to run the family. But he got used to it, just like he got used to being heartbroken. He wanted to embrace HER again. He wanted to stop being haunted by these dreams. He had re ran the outing in his mind a hundred times over. In reality, in the present of the time, the time was a blur. It went by all too fast. Next thing he knew he was piloting his speeder back to the academy. He should have taken George with him, but he had to come back so he could be with HER again. She had no idea what she did to him. She thought she did something wrong; she didn't. She had made him so happy- the happiest he had been in a long time. And then he read HER card. She told him that when he left she would miss him. She told him also to try and not completely forget about HER. Trip dropped his head. How could she even begin to think that? He thought that he made it clear that whatever happened, wherever he went, whoever he met, she would 

always have a place in his heart. If he ever managed to put back together the pieces of his heart, he would still love HER. Trip never used the word love out loud much, and he had never said it to HER in person. But next time he saw HER, he would. He would also tell HER that out of all the girls he was supposed to meet at this new institution, he doubted that any would be anything like HER. Why did he have to be tormented? His mind had tried to imagine a situation where she actually loved him. Trip began to contemplate whether or not if he could force these visions further. But if he did, would it really calm him, or torment him further? He didn't know but he had to try something, because this was not working. At the end of their meeting, besides not wanting to let HER go he also had wanted to grab HER by the hand and tell HER how he really felt. He wanted to tell HER that he loved HER, and that no matter how many girls he met at his new institution, none of them would ever be able to replace her. But he would save it for next time. He did not know when next time would be, but he knew there would be one; there had to be. As she walked away she mentioned something about sending her datapad messages so that they could keep in touch. He sent her one that night, and when he woke up in the morning, she did not respond- as usual. Well one thing was definite; things were right back to how they used to be. He would wait a few days before he tried to contact her again. Until then, he would be planning for their next meeting. Trip had a feeling it would be their last unless she had a change of heart and decided she really did love him after all. Trip could not stand the thought because of the extreme un likeliness of the change.


	12. Lazer's Return

As far as forgetting about HER, she did not know what Trip went through. Trip halfway told HER how he really felt more than once, but he didn't really tell HER. He did not want to cause HER any unnecessary problems. Trip never told many people about HER, but everybody thought they knew. People would tell him that he was too good for HER and that he needed to move on. Just about everybody told him that. They just did not understand. How this whole thing started, Trip did not know. It had been so long since a girl had shown interest in him. He had never met a girl like HER before. She made mistakes, but Trip did too. They had both hurt each other's feelings several times. But they always found a way to forgive each other. So when she spoke of him forgetting about HER, she did not know of everybody telling him to forget about HER. Trip never listened, how could he forget about HER? For HER to say that she cared about him a lot and that she would miss him meant a lot to Trip. And as far as guys never opening the door for HER- aw man! Trip's hand flew to his hilt, and then he let it drop away. So these were the type of guys she liked huh? Guys that cannot even hold the door for HER? What kind of idiots………. Which brings about another question: what did HER boyfriend have that made him so much better than Trip? Trip did not know, but he couldn't guess either. He would ask her that too, the next time they met. It was a question that burned Trip on the inside just as bad as everything else did.

Ok, by this point the readers, (if there are any,) are probably wondering if Trip had forgotten that he was a Jedi Knight. No, he hadn't. He was walking through the streets of his hometown when he heard a voice.

"Trip!"

Lazer.

But how? Trip heard his neck snap.

He only thought he heard his neck snap.

"I'm not dead, clearly as you can see fool."

"You should be, Lazer, but since you are not, allow me to correct that."

"I don't think so." Lazer ignited his lightsaber and attacked. Trip sighed and ignited his own, did he not learn his lesson last time. It had been a month and Trip's skill had almost doubled from the training programs he pushed father every day. He parried a powerful barrage from Lazer and noticed that he had got better too. Still not good enough for Trip, he struck Lazer with a powerful backhand sweep and caught him in the stomach with a kick, thus disabling him. His lightsaber flew into the air and Trip caught it.

"That was easier than last time. You got anymore tricks, Dark Lord?"

"Oh yeah, I save the best for last. I am about to make you hit your knees, Jedi."

"Try me." Lazer snapped his fingers and two super battle droids came out of the darkness.

"Those are supposed to make me hit my knees, Lazer?"

"Nope, this is." The droids pushed someone forward who was bound by their hands and feet and gagged at the mouth. He heard a muffled scream- It was HER.

"Now Trip, move a muscle and she is dead."

Trip hit his knees.

What else could he do? He would not jeopardize HER life for his own. Lazer walked over to her and removed the gag from HER mouth.

"Trip! Don't worry about me! Save yourself, he is going to kill you."

"Better me, then you."

"But why would you sacrifice yourself for me?"

"Because without you my life means nothing. I love you."

"Oh really?" Lazer now. "I love this too," he reached over and smacked HER. She cried out and as a tear began to flow and blood began to trickle she said,

"I love you too Trip."

Trip smiled and gripped both of the lightsabers in his hand. Before Lazer could blink, both the droids were on the ground. And before Lazer could put another hand on HER Trip had punched him so hard that his nose bone had been forced into his brain and he dropped dead, for good this time. Trip used the force to release the laser cuffs that bound HER. She jumped into his arms. Trips heart began to swell. He thought he might cry, but he did not have to, because this time he did not have to let HER go. He kept HER in his embrace for a long time.


	13. The Inside of Trip

Another scream, another dream; Lazer never came back, and she was never in any danger.

This means that she never said that she loved him.

This means that Trip was still messed up.

Was he even a real Jedi Knight anymore? Of course he was. No one truly knew what Trip went through. On the outside, it just seemed like Trip had a lot to deal with and naturally could be a little sharp, but no one knew what happened to Trip on the inside. Let us draw a picture using vivid descriptions and imagination so that we may have a better understanding of our young knight. He is no coward; he is no "lost cause." He is simply fighting for something that is virtually impossible. Point blank, bluntly speaking, Trip loves HER badly, and she cares about him- she might even genuinely love Trip just not in the way he wants. In short she will not be more than friends with Trip, so he cannot hold HER hand. He cannot at the end of a conversation- or at any time tell HER how he really feels. This tears apart at Trip in an indescribable way and to remedy the situation seems impossible. Don't we all have things that we deal with of our own that seem so? I, the writer for instance, thought that I would never be able to write a Star Wars story- and here it is. But perhaps if you, the reader, thought about it, you may not judge Trip so harshly. In any event, there is not anything Trip can do to fix his situation. This is where the harsh judgment comes in. He could easily just forget about HER right? This is ridiculous right? All he has to do is…. Well let me tell you reader; you are not Trip. So pay close attention to this description of his inside and see if you say, "Yeah my inside is like that too!" If you can't, like the writer knows you can't give Trip a break huh?

His inside. Heart? There is one, but it is so messed up it is hardly recognizable as a heart. It has been broken over and over again. It has been refurbished over and over again. But when it comes to sports it grows in size because Trip has always had heart. He does after all, care for people. But as far as sports are considered no one will oppose him. Otherwise the place looks like Mustafar to the third degree. There is power from the hate pent up inside of a figure. The hate is from the anger, which goes 

hand in hand. Jedi do not hate, and Trip holds no grudges. The figure is black and has no face. There is a scar on the figure's head, chest, and hands. Trip's real hands are scarred up. If the figure clenches his fist, powerful electricity and fire erupt from its hands. This is what happens when Trip is angry. But when Trip's heart aches, blackness overtakes the fire. It is a throbbing, consuming blackness that has ate away a Trip for years now. The figure can do nothing but shake with pain at these times. Trip can feel it, the figure, shaking inside of him but those on the outside would never know it. No one will ever know the full extent of Trip's pain, because he would never be able to explain it. Even if he could people would not believe him and think that he is over exaggerating. Believe you me; Trip does not want to hurt if he does not have to. But he would take any amount of pain for HER. Yeah, he's that serious.

But let us not think that the figure is a coward either. When Trip is hurting the figure fights to comfort him. When Trip is brutalized by one of his peers or comes across a trigger phrase the figure struggles to maintain control. The power it has helps it because it is constantly at war. Trip was merely eighteen years of age. Some would say that he had lived a "sheltered" life, because he was never allowed to go out on weekends with his friends. Instead Trip had to come home and deal with other things. He had so much responsibility. That's all Trip wanted sometimes, was respect. As far as his "responsibilities" it would have made things so much easier. But the figure is the one that protects Trip's heart; the figure sees that he does not turn. Trip was able to finally repel the evil voice inside of him because the figure had finally got around to whooping its butt. But when she came in, the figure became bound, slave to Trip's heart. It had always protected Trip, and now it was powerless. It wanted to break free and smack Trip.

"_Trip! You idiot! What are you doing!? She is tearing you and me up!" _The figure would plead.

"Sorry pal….." Trip would respond.

The apathy section of Trip's inner workings grows by the day. There were a lot of things that Trip used to care about that he could not care less about anymore. Imagine the effect one experiences 

when the lights suddenly shut off. Some react with fear for fear of the dark, others calmly try and fix the problem for need of the light. But Trip would just sit there and accept the darkness. It is easy for Trip because it is all inside of him. And the flickering, consuming darkness is more than just those things, but it is a painful reverberation. With every flicker pain is sent to bother Trip, taking his breath away and sometimes gives him the impression that he is about to die. He would be woken up with such a feeling several nights out of the week. He soon got so used to it that it did not even bother him anymore. Inside of Trip was unbelievable maturity for a young man of eighteen. He was far advanced in the task of logical common sense thinking.

In his native area Trip had to be a quick thinker. One thought too slow and one was dead. Sometimes there would be fights that one could not win, and one had to know when to defer for the good of his family. A large family can be just as hard to protect, as they are to feed. He constantly had to cover for a childish mistake one would make. And as far as they themselves were considered- Trip knew how to be stressed out. That was one good thing about the academy- it was far away….. But Trip still had to come home on the weekends. He was always denied the privilege to spend the night out at one of his friend's houses. The biggest thing for Trip was the fact that he would not have to share a bed with anyone. The sacrifices Trip made were not seen as sacrifices as by his parents, they were seen as duty. That is what Trip thought. He thought that he went home every weekend because that was his duty. Everybody else saw it as a sacrifice. Why didn't Trip just bump the system and ask to be released of his stress and his "responsibility? Because it was Trip's duty. On top of that, his parents knew that something was wrong with Trip; they simply did not understand that it may have had something to do with them. That maybe he was upset of frustrated because he was sitting at the house. So these days as a young, mature man of eighteen, if his parents wanted him to sit at the house, then so be it. But they would know that he wasn't too happy about it, but they knew he was used to it, so for now it would be 

okay. Besides pretty soon, Trip would be gone for good. He betted his parents would not be too happy about that.

He was adept at reading others emotions, but on the inside Trip's own tormented him. Sometimes they talked to him, like the voice that banters Trip and tells him he is not good enough. But the figure got rid of that guy. On the inside, the negative side of Trip has taken control of Trip's positive side and expresses marital law over their side of thinking. The last remaining rebel is the figure and it throws down. Thus Trip is seen as a negative guy, but he is not that bad. Trip knew he wasn't negative; he just wasn't extra positive like everybody else. Ever since his childhood it was all about fitting in and being like everybody else. Why did he have to be like them? He understood now that he did not, but it is too late to change the past. Anything positive Trip wants to express is beaten down like pathetic resistance, on the inside of Trip. On the inside, Trip would be a heck of a Sith Lord because he has all of inner chemicals necessary. But there is still some light in Trip. That light is called hope. The light used to be a flame on the inside of Trip, but there soon became no hopeful wood to feed the fire on the inside of Trip. All Trip had now, was his figure. The figure like Trip, never gave up.

Weird things bothered Trip. Some things that bothered other people did not bother Trip and other things that really bothered Trip did not bother other people. Trip was so sick of people judging him that he did not even try and explain himself anymore. Whatever was said he weighed the cost of his natural rebuttal and adjusted it accordingly. But when the subject matter hit in the apathy region on the inside of Trip, he could be relentless and blunt. Trip already hated wasting time with formalities. He hated saying hello, and he hated saying you're welcome. On the inside of Trip he was angry at the waste of time and often wanted to snap on whoever challenged him on this matter. Sometimes his manner became cold, when on the inside his heart warmed at the matter being dealt with. He would care about certain people on the inside and deal with them coldly on the outside.

Back to the figure. When Trip is thinking about HER, the figure is tormented, pulled apart like some kind of toy. This is when it becomes powerless. This time, with this subject, it cannot help Trip. It becomes bound by its arms and legs which are forced apart by the unforeseen force. The figure reacts in a painful agony. The figure used to want to break its self free, but soon learned to accept it, understanding things were not going to change. If it could not break itself free, then it would always be trapped, because Trip wasn't going to save it, Trip was being tormented too. Everything the figure felt, Trip felt worse, because after all, this is Trip's inside. The torment is equivalent to one being bound with rope by their arms and legs and the rope being attached to speeders which shoot forward. Only the figure does not break; it cannot. Instead it is forced to watch the ridiculous cycle that never stops. Arrows that flow in the same circle, the same way, the same time, over and over again are projected above the figures head. The figure is unable to reach out and break the cycle because its arms are bound and the force pulls harder. It can only look hopelessly, painfully on as it watches its host being tormented. Inside of Trip HER name ran around like a poison, waiting to be activated upon the trigger of the name. HER actual name was rarely referenced because Trip only rarely discussed the actual girl with a select few people. Out of his family, none of these people were so. The name was a fairly common name, therefore the trigger often went off, and Trip was often in anguish. Just like the trigger phrases Lazer had created, every time one was spoken, Trip was awarded with a terrible pain on the inside. Nothing on the outside registers with Trip, rarely does any source of anger ever become betrayed by Trip's outward appearance. On the inside he would be fuming, while on the outside he was unchanged. But Trip had never been very good at pretending, so he never was able to completely hide his emotions. Therefore he would not always seem distressed, just not happy and in a society full of fakes, not happy was not good. So like before, Trip was asked what was wrong with him. And the every time it was the same response: nothing. Every now and then the inside would boil over to Trip's outside and he would attempt to explain to someone of high trust.

But as far as she was concerned the answer there was always the same too. Nobody ever questioned Trip on his validity as a Jedi Knight, but they hacked away at his devotion to HER. They had their mixed opinions and their unique assessments of the situation, but the final message was always the same: move on. They would sometimes tell him that he was too good for HER and that she did not deserve him. Sometimes, rarely, Trip might agree. But then he would pull up an old datapad message of hers. Sometimes it would be an apology. Other times it was a joke. Or maybe there was a problem of hers and an equal concern for Trip's own. There was often soothing encouragement. When she hugged him it was like when a mother hugged her child when it needed to be comforted. The child knew that mommy was here now, and everything was going to be okay. Trip got that same feeling. He was not under the impression that she could fix everything, but when she embraced him it was good enough for Trip. Embracing HER was different than embracing other girls. That was one thing Trip made sure he did before ever athletic event he participated in. If he didn't, he would go home sorry that he hadn't, and it would plague him all throughout the night.

For Trip's feelings, he was judged harshly, so he stopped sharing them. Only a select few knew of Trip's feelings, but only half of those had an idea of the pain. Trip had grown up in a large family where convenience was the key. Therefore he did not like vacations, because it was never convenient for the family. Several times Trip was denied and activity as a youngling for the lack of convenience of the matter. Trip grew up in such a style of thinking that he naturally thought like that when he got older. He still had a lot to learn and he was about to be free of everybody's teaching. He was about to leave his teachers, masters, parents, and coaches to enter a whole new mature set. After Trip was finished with this set, he would be on his own. Of course he would always be a Jedi Knight so he needn't worry about employment. He had a lot to learn but he was a very mature, learned young man anyways. The ability for Trip to let his hand drift to his hilt was a comforting one to him. And the ability to let it drift away 

was a difficult one. Trip had to learn from a young age that even though he had no fear, he still could not fight everybody.

The figure however all black, still had an aura. The aura was naturally blue and green. But when Trip got angry, red began to seep in. The figure fought the red at first, but it found that it could not stop it, seen as it was Trip's own anger or hate.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to pain.

Pain leads to suffering.

How many times had he heard that at the temple? But the figure found when it accepted the anger, the red, it became twice as powerful. This is what gave it the power to keep fighting what seemed like a hopeless war. If everyone else had given up on Trip, he would always have his figure to help him. But now that we have a slight idea of Trip's constant torture and his never ending war- open up your heart reader, and tell me that Trip ain't a Knight. If character is what you do when no one sees, then Trip has a lot of character. No one can see this war on the inside of Trip, and he does not waste time complaining about it either. Ultimately, Trip just loves HER. Maybe he cannot fully explain why, maybe she does not like him back, but one thing is constant- he will always love HER. She means a lot to him and before he leaves for good, he plans to make that clear. If all she needs is a single credit, so be it. She was beautiful, and she cared about Trip and that was good enough for him.


	14. No More Crying

Thinking back and painfully remembering, Trip accessed the temple's archives. He searched for Jedi love affairs. Well of course there was Han Solo and Leia Organa. Leia hadn't really been a Jedi at that time but she was now. Then there was Luke and Mara- Jade and they had a son, Ben. But that's after Luke changed things. What about when Yoda and Mace still ran the order? When attachment was forbidden. What Trip was dealing with now was probably why they had made it forbidden. That's part of the reason Anakin turned. He had wanted to protect Padme, his non Jedi wife. He had foreseen her death in a dream, the cause being child birth. She had died in labor, but only from a broken heart. Had Anakin not been so attached, so in love with her, he never would have turned. Then there was the great Jedi Master Qui- Gon Jinn, who was never allowed on the counsel because he constantly broke the rules. He had an affair with Tahl, the blind Jedi Master. But she died before they could go any further. Her death almost sent Qui- Gon over the dark side. How would Trip react at the news of HER death? Would he be able to go on? Qui- Gon found a way. But it was different for him, because Tahl had actually said that she loved him too. In some ways it was worse, in others it was not. Wait a minute- what was this? Obi- Wan Kenobi had an attachment too? Obi- Wan was Trip's idol. He was his favorite Jedi Master of all time. But he was such a reserved man. Trip had to search deeper in the temple's records to find what he was searching for, but he found nothing else. But then what he did find, was coded. Too bad Trip was an expert hacker. Obi- Wan and love? He had to know and he did not care if he got in trouble. Yes, Obi- Wan had a thing for the Jedi Knight Siri Tachi.

These facts were all interesting, but disturbing too. One person of all of these couples ended up dead. They were always the women too. Sometimes Trip did not know if he was forcing himself upon HER. That would give HER unnecessary strife which Trip was not trying to do. He would so often get the feeling that he was bothering HER. When he tried to raise HER on the comlink or when he sent HER coded messages on the datapad. He could just imagine HER rolling HER eyes at his pathetic attempt to interest HER. But he was also able to help HER a lot. She would often have trouble with her parents. She 

would always argue with them and eventually start crying. Trip hated the thought of her crying, but he never argued with his parents. As many unreasonable things they had made him do, he never once argued and he rarely complained. If he were to be so bold, he would be beat. But she would lock herself in a room. Just like his friend he saved would cut herself. Another one of his friend tried to commit suicide. An all Trip had to deal with was a broken heart. His situation, his life, his story- was rough, but he needn't complain because there were people out there who had it far worse. He did not complain often, but if he did he let some people have it. But in the mean time, he would help her come up with ways to get along with her parents. And also that she shouldn't cry- it made him feel bad, but it probably made her feel worse. Trip had forgotten what it was like to cry; after all- it had been a whole decade.

"That's because you aren't human Trip, everybody needs to cry," she would tease.

"Everybody but me man," he always responded.

"Crying releases stress, it makes you feel better."

"But you cry because you feel bad."

"Yes, one cries because they are sad or hurt," she said sounding like a teacher now. She taught him a lot too.

"I don't want you to be sad or hurt."-Trip's dead serious now.

"But I feel better after."

"Crying is a sign of weakness."

"Then I am weak?"

"No."

"It just messes up my makeup."

"Then don't cry."

"You would cry if you were me."

"Then you couldn't stand to be me."

"Oh yeah, a big powerful Jedi Knight with the power to crush something with the flick of your hand. It must be so tough."

"Yeah yeah, and all I have to decide today is what kind of makeup to put on and what boy's transmission do I want to accept? Oh yeah tough junk B."

"Trip, I will look in the mirror and hate what I see."

"Really? Maybe we need to switch mirrors, sounds like you stole mine."

"It is hard being me, Trip."

"I know being absolutely gorgeous must be such a burden."

"But I'm not though."

"Oh man, so not only is being me easy, but I am blind too. You are absolutely beautiful. You might think you aren't, but I know you are."

"Thank you, Trip."

"So try and stop crying huh?"

"Nobody listens to me."

"I listen."

"And nobody thinks I am pretty."

"I do."

"So why shouldn't I cry?"

"Because it hurts me."

"How can that happen?"

"The same way it does when you hurt yourself."

"Is that why you told me to stop telling you I was clumsy?"

"That's right because it kills me."

"That doesn't explain why I shouldn't cry."

"Yes it does, because it hurts me. It also gives you a better idea of why you shouldn't think that being me is so easy. You have no idea…."

"No idea about what?"

"You needn't worry about that. Promise me that you won't cry so much."

"But Trip I-"

"Promise!"

"I promise."

We know what Trip was referring to- his pain from HER. But he wouldn't let HER know that just like he didn't let anybody else know. Besides she probably had an idea, but that didn't change her heart. It just was not fair by any means. But as long as he breathed, he would help her, whether she killed him or not. That was another one of his many duties, reasonable or not.


	15. Desperation

Ok, Trip had a problem. Or did he? Was it fair to HER to try and force himself on HER? After all, they were only teenagers. Trip didn't want to hear it; he had been grown since he was ten. Ten was when he became a real Jedi Knight, one year later than Anakin who was nine. If she didn't like him then wasn't he just supposed to move on? He never yelled at HER- okay maybe one time but he was severely sorry for it. He took a step outside, something he did when he needed to think. But he never was mean or rude to HER. He never swore at HER. But he did bother HER he thought. After all, he may be hurt, but that doesn't give him leave to annoy her. Or was he annoying her? He didn't know.

"Ay Trip," Master AT.

"Master AT?"

"You want to go get something to drink- on me?"

"I guess."

"Where you want to go?"

"Where ever you want."

"Let us try somewhere close." So they strode on silently. They walked purposefully as all Jedi Knights did, but they did not hurry. The just strode on. Trip knew his master was going to try and talk to him about HER, and he did not know if he was ready to talk about her. But if there was anybody he would talk to about her, it was him. He definitely did not bother Grand Master Skywalker with his "problem."

The level of sadness Trip was dealing with was starting to show on Trip; he was even losing weight. Actually, he was just losing fat, he was gaining weight from all of the extra workouts. The found a local café and ordered a few drinks.

"What is on your mind, Trip?" Master At opened up.

"A lot of things, a whole lot of things."

"Good things, bad things?"

"Both."

"There are good things?"

"Yeah, a few."

"You had a good time the other night then huh?"

"Yeah…."

"But you are still sad. Why?" he observed.

"Ah…."

"Can I get you anything else?" said their waitress. She was a human female, Trip's age, and she was very pretty.

"No thank you," Master AT politely responded.

"She can bring her comlink signal over here, and her datapad too," Trip muttered under his breath.

She didn't hear it but Master AT did.

"Trip you bantha!"

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"How can you be interested in that girl when you are supposed to be interested in HER?"

"You know what? There are some things that I'm afraid you do not know about me yet." Trip responded curtly, his voice taking an edge. For starters he was more than interested in HER. What Master AT wasn't recalling was what Trip told him when they first met. Trip instantly took a liking to him because he thought that maybe he wouldn't judge him for his feelings. Everybody else did. Once he told one of his family members his story hypothetically. She said that the guy had a severe problem and was treating the girl terribly wrong. That the girl had good since and Trip was a failure as a non master of his feelings. Then again she was a woman. Who was she to judge Trip's feelings? Who was anybody to judge Trip? But was she right? Of course the girl had good sense; she was maturing. In a way it made Trip proud, in another it made him sad. Now he had less to try and teach HER. She did not need his tutelage, but she did enjoy talking to him without regard to what he thought about HER. She told him that HER 

relationships with her friends were all shallow. Trip certainly hoped the one they had wasn't. In short, she was who HER friends wanted HER to be. And when she couldn't always be that girl, and she so often could not, her friends did not want to be her friends. This is the reason her "best friend" had said what she did about her that night to Trip. Trip wanted to smack the girl but she dismissed it informing him that was how things always went. But when she talked to Trip, she informed him that she could be herself. Trip could be himself with her too. He did not have to be anybody else like he so often did. Trip had so many different personalities that he did not know which one was his real one. Did he even have one anymore? Trip was already reserved but he knew now that at his new institution, he was going to be even more reserved. She was grateful for Trip's friendship…..

"I only know what you tell me Trip, and what I can observe from your interaction with others," Master AT replied kindly, bringing Trip back t reality.

"I'm sorry Master AT, but I have been very frustrated lately."

"You look more sad than anything Trip."

He was sad, Trip was very sad. He thought that he knew what he had to do, but he really did not want to do it. Was it even the right thing to do? What was it? He slowly let his hand drop to his hilt. He felt the power of the force coursing through his hands. He wanted to break the table.

"Trip, stay with me now." Master AT was desperate now. He knew that when Trip got that glazed look in his eyes that something was about to go very wrong. The worst part was, he felt that he had done all he could in the name of helping him. There was virtually nothing else that he could do.

"I am more sad than you could ever imagine," Trip said as he walked out.

"Trip! Come back and sit down, you need to calm down," Master AT responded, desperate now.

Trip never turned around.


	16. Thinking Process

Master AT could not help Trip anymore. Nobody could help Trip anymore.

He had to do it.

He had to.

Do what?

It.

What was it?

He had to let go.

He knew that.

Had to.

Did he?

He did.

Let go of what?

Let go of HER.

Let go?

No Grand Master Skywalker.

No Master AT.

Himself.

He.

Himself.

Only.

Nobody else.

Just him.

And HER.

How would she feel?

Hurt?

Sad?

Depressed?

RELIVED?

RELIVED.

It wasn't fair.

Fair to who?

Fair to him.

Fair to HER.

Fair to no one.

Keep on?

Got to.

No!

This ends now.

Does it?

No. It doesn't.

Believe him, it doesn't.

But for HER?

It got to.

She deserves it.

No she doesn't.

But Trip does.

Does he?

He don't either.

But he will do it.

Do what?

It.

No he won't.

No he won't.

But he has to.

Has to what?

Leave the order?

No.

Heck no.

Definitely not.

A hand.

The hand does what?

It drifts.

It drifts where?

To the hilt.

For the lightsaber?

For the lightsaber.

Ignite it.

Ignited.

Strike. Kick. Punch. Blaze.

Blaze what?

Anger. Fury. Confusion. Pain.

The way of the Sith.

The Sith?

The Sith.

But Trip's a-

Jedi?

What does it matter?

Really?

Nothing matters.

Then return your sword to it's holster.

Do it.

Now.

I am.

You are what?

A.

Jedi.

Knight.

No.

You.

Are.

Not.

Yes.

Trip is.

He has to be.

One must always be true to himself.

Then do it.

Do what?

Do it.

He doesn't want to.

He doesn't have to.

But he got to.

He got to.

No.

No. No. No!

He won't.

He can't.

He mustn't.

It would….

It would what?

Break him.

Can he be broke?

He is only human.

Humans make mistakes.

He is a Jedi.

Jedi make mistakes.

The force will help him then.

No.

It will not.

It cannot.

Only Trip,

Can help Trip.

No Force.

Just Trip.

Just Trip.

But he won't.

He won't what?

He won't.

Because he can't.

Can't what?

Won't what?

Won't quit.

Because he can't quit.

Not in his will?

No, he is just not a quitter.

He will find a way.

He has to find a way.

There is always a way……..

There is always a way.


	17. Todd's Return

A knock at the door.

A knock……

No more thinking.

No more for now….

"Who is it?" Trip's voice was haggard.

"It is I."

"Jesus?"

"Not quite," the person responded with a laugh.

"Well then look, whoever you are, I don't really want to play right now."

"This isn't a game, Trip. This is payback."

It was Dein Todd. He kicked the door down and came in a rush lightsaber in hand. Trip used the force to cause his own to come to his hand from his desk. He paired and added an extra push to cause Todd to stumble back off of him. Todd attempted to punch Trip and he blocked it and delivered his own punch. Todd came right back with a smack from the butt of his lightsaber. Blood began to stain Trip's tunic. Anger began to cloud his mind. He thought he had dealt with Todd already. What did he not understand? Did he really think he was good enough to hurt him? He had given Todd confidence by allowing Todd to smack him on the head. He paired another barrage from Todd. He struck back and came around with one of his own. But this time when Todd parried he did not falter. Trip used the force to pull Todd toward him and he turned and parried Todd's strike behind his back. He elbowed him in the stomach and forced him to crouch in pain. He then delivered a kick to his face and used the force to call a chair to him. While Todd was lifted up from the punch Trip swung the chair under him in an attempt to trip him. Instead Todd used the momentum to turn a full back flip. As soon as he hit down he used the force to send the chair through the air back at Trip. Trip cut the chair in half. Todd leaped and faked a strike. Instead he kicked Trip into the wall. Trip rebounded and answered with his own roundhouse kick. 

Todd staggered back and Trip used the opportunity to press his advantage. But he was unable to drive Todd back. Todd held his ground and neither one of them gave ground. They both just stood, face to face, one striking, the other swinging to parry. Neither one of them began to tire. Strike, parry, and strike back. Strike, parry, and strike back. Todd attempted to shunt Trip and Trip turned his lightsaber over and punched him. Finally, Todd hit the floor.

"I told you the first time I did not want to fight you." Trip's voice was automatic, and without emotion.

"I told you this wasn't over!" With a great heave Todd sent a tremendous wave of force energy at Trip. Trip absorbed it and sent it back, two fold. Todd flipped over and hit the wall upside down and lay still. Trip used the force to pick him up and put him on his bed.

He shut the door and walked away.


	18. More Thinking

More thinking.

He had to talk to somebody.

He could not do this alone.

He had heard all Master AT had to say.

He did not want to talk to Skywalker.

But he needed somebody.

Normally she would be there for him.

But she was what he needed to talk about.

Was it really possible for someone to like someone this much,

And that person not like them back?

Is it unreasonable?

She is not a celebrity,

But she has guys all on HER.

What does she see in them that Trip does not have?

She is young.

He is too.

Is he ruining HER evenings when he talks to HER when she could be talking to one of her boyfriends?

Is he bothering her,

Withholding her from enjoying her life?

She is not obligated to like him.

But it hurts him.

Is it okay for him to be hurt?

Hadn't he done all he could?

Did he really?

He could have been smarter.

He could have been nicer.

Nevertheless,

He gave it everything he had.

Impossible.

The situation was impossible.

He had to leave her be.

He could not continue to bother her.

But was he really bothering her?

What if she really enjoyed talking to him?

What if one day she actually decided she liked him?

Would he be waiting?

Would he still be a Jedi?

Doubt that will happen.

Doubt she would finally decide that.

But what if she did?

What would that mean for Trip?

It would mean all of his strife was over.

It would mean extreme happiness for him.

But what does it mean if it never happens?

Impossible.

Was it?

Why is this so hard?

Everybody else can do it.

Why can't Trip?

Why can't she just like him?

She does like him.

She might even love him.

Just not like Trip does her.

Not even close.

She speaks in friendship.

Trip does not.

What good is friendship when one cannot express his feelings?

She had been back to disappearing again.

He couldn't find her.

He could not contact her.

She wasn't dead; he would have felt it in the force.

And he would not be able to function.

Where was she when Trip needed her most?

He was stressed.

Was he?

Or was he just being unreasonable again?

He could picture her comlink signaling again for the third time that week.

How she must roll her eyes annoyed.

Does she?

What does she think?

Was it fair to her?

He did not know.

He could not figure it out either.

All he knew was that,

He still loved her.

Very much.

It hurt.

It hurt bad.

His stomach hurt.

His head ached.

His muscles throbbed.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Is it?

Trip must have been weaker then he thought.

He is still in pain.

He needs to find an answer.

He needs to find it fast.

He could not take it anymore.

It just wasn't fait.

Fair?

She was never obligated to be fair.

But she broke his spirit.

She broke his heart.

Over,

And over,

And over,

Again.

Did she?

Or did he?

Did she not make it clear?

She told him.

She did.

What does it matter?

Nothing matters.

Everything matters.

So what happened?

Her words said one thing.

Her actions another.

Trip is a Jedi Knight.

Couldn't he see that?

He could.

Could he have saved himself?

He could have.

So why did he not?

Because he did not want to.

He could not.

He was powerless.

He was not in control of his actions.

His mind said one thing.

His heart did the other.

They fought,

And the heart won.

It beat the mind.

Does the heart control the mind?

If one does not have heart,

Why convince the body with the mind?

Convince it of what,

That he did not really love her?

But he did.

He knew he did.

He loved her.

It that so wrong?

Is that so bad?

Is Trip just that unattractive?

Does she know?

Yes.

Did he ever tell her directly?

He could not.

Why?

It hurt too bad.

He could not force the words out.

He could not tell her in person.

So he wrote a letter.

A letter?

What good did that accomplish?

It did what it was meant to do;

Relay the message.

She got it.

She responded.

Perhaps one time.

Maybe one time.

Things would go his way.

He knew this time,

Things were serious.

He really lived her.

He really did.

He did not love many girls.

He did not.

She told him,

She did not………………..

The hand….

It drifts again.

The blade…

Is ignited again.

The anger, the pain……

Is blazed again.

The training program…

Is pushed over again.


	19. Cruelty by Droids

The program was started up again. He pushed it three times farther than he did last time. Trip was on the edge and he did not care. Droids came by the pairs; he cut them all down. One managed to hit him with an electrojabber. Trip felt his arm go numb. He switched his lightsaber to the other hand and cut it down. A huge rock was projected at him. Trip used the force to take out more droids with it. He had fought at least thirty already, fifteen is a handful for most Jedi. It grew dark, and a foggy mist began to seep in the room. The air was unbearably humid for human breathing but Trip kept on fighting. The feeling returned to his arm and he reached over and smacked a droid down. The fog turned to fire and Trip was burning up. He was soon circled by a ring of probe droids. He suspended the smoking droid parts around him in the air with the force and threw them around at the probe droids. Trip felt a surge of warning in the force. Water began to pour from the ceiling with the hope of shorting out Trip's lightsaber. Trip suspended the water in mid air with the force and then created a barrier with it letting it fall, but letting none touch his lightsaber. He allowed some of it to hit him to refresh his hot, battered body. He was now knee deep in water. It became difficult to move. A large turret popped out of the water and Trip opened his off hand, and closed it, tightening his fist. The turret was crushed with the force before it even shot. Another instantly came from the ceiling and began pelting Trip with blaster fire. He deflected the bolts easily and immediately noticed an advancing droid. This droid had shields on its arms that prevented it from being harmed by a lightsaber in that spot. Trip hit the droids arms upward with a tremendous uppercut and they flew up. He then buried his lightsaber in the droid's control panel. Fifteen more appeared when Trip realized he was beginning to tire. He forced pushed them all into a wall. Only half survived the impact and he used the force to call a blaster to his hand. He shot three with one quick, precise shot and unleashed a barrage to keep the others busy. He cut through the remaining ones in one stroke altogether. Another droid threw a viroblade at him. Because he had to deflect the blaster fire from the other droid, the viroblade cut Trip across the hand. Another scar on his hands did not make any difference to him, and the pain felt good. The physical pain was a blessing to 

Trip compared to the tremendous emotional pain he had been dealing with lately. But he was irritated that a droid had scored a hit on him. He used the force to slow down time, and he reached out with his other hand and grabbed the blade by its hilt and flung it right back at the droid. It sliced its head off.

He had read about Obi- Wan doing that once when he was still an apprentice. Obi- Wan always had his head on straight. Then the memory droid reappeared. Trip stood panting and crossed his arms. He had already been hit with his most painful memory, and he knew the droid could not hit him with that one again. But it did not hit him with a memory. It assaulted his mind with an image……. A thought……

_She did not receive his comlink transmission because she was angry at him. He had forgotten her birthday, and she began to cry. She was so upset that she went for a walk to try and calm herself down. He comlink signaled; it was her boyfriend. She ignored the transmission. He began to cry again, profusely now. She was so upset that she was not paying attention to what was going on around her. A nearby speeder was spiraling out of control. She did not get out of the way; she was too upset to be paying attention. The speeder hit her, and she was thrown in the air. She landed on her head and did not move again………………._

Trip's eyes became dilated. He felt a rip in his chest; his heart had broken again.


	20. Best Friends

The pain ripped, literally ripped through his chest. He hit his knees again. He couldn't take it. He just couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't dead, he knew she wasn't. He would feel it. This feeling he was feeling now would be real. But the pain was real. It was real to Trip. He had a dream one time that he killed her. She wasn't a small girl, but Trip was a big man. He had a dream that she touched him on the cheek and he whirled and fired his lightsaber in her stomach. He did not know why he did it; she was just trying to help him. His mind probably forced him to do it from the unreality of HER trying to touch his cheek. The lightsaber went straight through her and she looked up at him. She tried to reach up and touch his check again as tears began to fill her eyes, but he punched her, and her body flew off the lightsaber. But that was just a dream. Trip had been terribly hurt by the vision, but at the end of the day, it was just a dream. It was not a vision of what could happen, what he would do. He was not Anakin. No he was not. His rage was fire. This too, was just a dream. Force electricity began to shoot through his hands, spurting through his clenched fists. He grabbed his lightsaber and swung as hard as he could. He completely annihilated the droid. Forty more began to pour from all sides. Trip leaped at the first group that began to advance. He kicked the lead droid full on and knocked into those bringing up the rear. He stuck and jabbed, he kicked and punched. A group tried to sneak him from the back, and he beat those down too. He used the force to short their circuits and used his lightsaber to cut them down. Finally droids stopped coming. He jammed his lightsaber back into his hilt. He wanted to hit his knees and begin to weep. His comlink signaled.

"Go ahead," Trip responded curtly.

"I can't take it anymore Trip," his friend, a girl, was sobbing.

"Stop crying."

"I can't; I cry every night."

"Trust me, if anybody has stuff to cry about, I do. I know you can stop."

"I don't even know why I am so upset."

"Why are you so upset?"

"I don't even know."

"Upset at yourself perhaps."

"I guess so. It is after all my fault."

"I know the feeling."

"I just want to be his friend; I want to talk to him so bad."

"I know the feeling," Trip repeated.

"Stop saying that! You don't know how I feel!"

"Don't I? Who are you to judge me? You don't know me!"

"So tell me! Quit playing dark secrets! I am your friend Trip, for once let somebody in."

"That's a mistake I'll not make again. But if you want a taste, at least you do not feel like he has disappeared off the face of the earth. You want to talk about wanting to talk to someone badly?"

"We are going to be best friends for the rest of our lives Trip."

"We are both going to go our separate ways and you know it."

"Sure I'll have my friends and you will have yours, but we will still always be best friends."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Let's make a pact then."

"Ok."

"No matter what guy you meet, or what girl I meet, we will still always be best friends."

"I Promise."

"Good." Trip was relived. He had always cared about this girl, but she never listened to him. She usually ended up getting hurt the very way Trip predicted she would. She did not know that Trip was a Jedi. She did not know a lot about Trip, but she talked to him all the time. They had known each other the whole time he had been at the academy. She told him about all of her problems. Trip did not waste her time with his. Therefore he never really elaborated on how much he knew how she felt. But her situation was different. The guy she was referring to had actually liked her. They had both just made mistakes that tore them apart. It hurt Trip to see how bad they liked each other, and how much they fought. He really had wished that they would stop fighting. Perhaps it was time for more personal insight for her. Instead of general advice, maybe he could let her know a little about him. Maybe it would make her feel better, to know that there was someone who dealt with far worse.

"He doesn't want to be my friend Trip; he does not want to talk to me ever again." She brought him back out of his thoughts.

"I think he does." Trip knew he did; he had told him. They were like brothers and told each other everything. He had some idea about Trip's feelings for HER. He had always urged Trip to forget about HER; he was detested at HER treatment of Trip, but Trip knew he didn't know. So he would tell him some things and he still would not understand. So they always had the mutual understanding that as far as girls was considered, they would each do their own thing. But he had 

actually made a personal appeal to Trip to tell this girl how much he liked her, Trip's friend. He usually did not do that and these are the types of things that upset Trip about the two's situation.

"But I won't let myself signal him."

"Sure you can, just press the button."

"I won't let myself, I'm too stubborn."

"Only you can fix that."

"Do you think that he'll respond?"

"I do." Trip knew he would. Even when the guy was mad, he told Trip that he wished she would cal him anyway.

"I am so easily influenced!"

"Well you did ask."

"Why though? I will believe anything! From anybody!"

"Look I am not trying to hurt you, I want to help you. But believing things from everybody else may be an area of concern."

"I am just saying that I will believe anything I hear.

"I let that happen to me once….. I got hurt…. Real bad……" Trip's voice trailed off.

"How?"

"I listened to her friend tell me lies about HER."

"What happened?" Trip took a deep breath and told her the story. Here it was: he was laying himself out there. He never told anybody besides his best friends or his masters and he rarely told them much. He decided to let her in on a little of Trip's pain. Maybe it would lessen her own, he sure did hope so. He spoke of the one when he listened to HER best friend tell him lies about HER and how he believed them all. But the biggest thing was the bomb she dropped on him. The one that almost killed him and tore him apart. Just recalling that part hurt him. He would rather not have told her that, but if it would make her feel better, then so be it. "Wow, now I am really sad. That's real sad. I'm sorry that happened to you Trip." Was she really? Trip wondered to himself.

"Don't be. I got what I deserved." And he did too. He never should have listened to HER best friend; he knew better.

"She's really pretty. And she's really sweet too." Trip wanted to respond 'didn't he know it,' but he couldn't. The pain was too great. Of course he knew that. She had no idea of the level that he knew it. Now he wanted to cry. Didn't she know he loved HER? Of course she didn't; he never told her. As far as she knew, he just liked HER a little bit.

"What's the deal with you two anyway? Does she like you?"

"I……….. She…….." Trip had done all he could, he would not elaborate further. This he would not get into. He would not explain how much he loved this girl. He would not explain that she liked him fine, but he probably greatly annoyed HER because he liked HER more than that. And that was why he knew. He wanted to be able to hold HER hand and tell HER that he loved HER. That was all that he wanted to be able to do. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Ok. But when we were still talking he told me that if we stopped, then he would not want to be my friend. I just want to talk to him. I miss talking to him so much. Why doesn't he want to be my friend?"

"Because as friends he can't tell you how he feels. He can't tell you that he loves you, he can't hold your hand." This was straight from Trip's own experiences, and his own reasoning. This was what he knew.

"I just realized that I will never be able to kiss him again." Pain ripped through Trip's chest. That feeling of pain was starting to become quite normal. He never had that opportunity with HER. He never would, so he had better try and overcome it now. Maybe there was still hope- for her sake anyway, not HERS.

"I never made it that far…." His voice trailed off again. The guy she was referring to was like a brother to Trip. This was where they went their separate ways; he had never told Trip this.

"He wants somebody perfect, - somebody that does not exist. They do not exist because he is not perfect himself." That does not have anything to do with it, Trip thought to himself.

"But he really liked you. For him, that was a big deal. It should been for you. I tried to tell you that. Whatever type of girl that was, you were it for him. I am proud of you." He really hoped that would make her feel better.

"I know, and now I will never be able to kiss him again. I know I can't. I know he's mad at me, I can feel it."

"I know he would respond it you tried to contact him."

"I just did."

"And?"

"He responded," she began to cry again.

"Why? What did he say to make you cry?"

"He didn't say anything. We aren't talking about anything important."

"Well what do you want him to talk about? You aren't supposed to be talking about anything. Just talking period is a start. You can't expect to remedy the situation in a single night, in a single conversation.

"I am so upset!"

"Who are you so upset at? Me?"

"No."

"Him?"

"No."

"Who?"

"I am upset at myself."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I have failed, Trip, I was not good enough. I know I was wrong, but I was too stubborn to apologize."

"I know the feeling of not being good enough like I know my own name." Trip was done elaborating for the night however. It was early that next morning, actually. She was still sobbing.

"This other guy is so annoying," she said still sobbing.

"Then why are you entertaining him?"

"I don't have anybody else; nobody else likes me."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"You don't like me Trip."

"I know there is somebody."

"Tell me! Who?"

"Why would I tell you that?"

"Just tell me! Are they older than me, or my age? Are they friends with you?"

"Oh he and I talk all the time, I know him very well. But he has sworn me to secrecy because he knows that you do not like him, and he is sick and tired of being hurt.

"Who was it, please tell me! Was it really you?"

"No! I am not going down that road again. He told me never to tell."

"So who was it? Just tell me." His body was throbbing. He sighed.

"It was me."

"No it wasn't."

"Right before you started talking to him I found that I liked you, but I would not say anything because I knew you did not like me."

"And how did you know that?"

"Because no girl does. In any event, I made it my business to make sure you to two got together."

"Is that why you always tried to help us both?"

"Yes."

"Trip, I swear to you we will always be best friends." He smiled. He almost believed her. He cared greatly about this girl now too. He did not know if she would keep her promise, but he would keep his. Perhaps he could learn to trust again.

"Ok." She sighed; she had finally stopped crying. At first Trip was distracted from his memories of her. He had not talked to her since the day he saw her last. But now he felt hopeful. Whatever was in the future, he felt she was in it. And even if she wasn't HER he would be okay with that. "But there is just one thing I need from you girl."

"What's that?"

"A ham sandwich!"

"Oh my god, Trip!" They both continued to laugh for some time. For once, for the first time in a long time, Trip was happy. He was beat, burned, drenched in blood, and sweat, he was cut, and heartbroken, but right then, he was happy. He was glad he was friends with this girl. He didn't know if she would really be best friends with him, but she said she did and she acted like she wanted to. Maybe Trip would be alright.


	21. Unexpected Visitors

_Maybe it seems to some of the readers that Trip has wisdom when he needs it for somebody else, but he cannot seem to help himself. This is probably true. At this time Trip can be found in his room, shaking with his head in his hands. Well he was not shaking, but he might as well be; he wanted to. He wanted to shake and sob. Hard. The sacrifices he made for others were all well and good, but what did they really mean? He tried to think straight for himself, but when it came to HER, he had no idea. Right now he wanted to shake and sob because he really missed HER. He was minding his own business, cleaning up, when he was hit with a memory of a good time they had. He laughed, and then he became quiet. He missed HER so much. She wasn't responding to his beacons and she did not respond to his datapad messages. He tried at all hours of the day, from midday to midnight. She never once responded. He wondered if she was sick or hurt. He hoped she wasn't. Maybe she had gotten in trouble with HER parents again. He hoped she hadn't. He hoped she was just on vacation and the signal was too weak. He hoped that was the case too because it would hide the number of times that he tried to contact HER. But what if all those possibilities were wrong? What if she wasn't sick, or hurt, or on _

_vacation? What if she was just ignoring him? He thought back. The last thing he said to HER was that she did not know what she did to him. But this was just a message, through the datapad. She had responded 'did she do something wrong?' Trip remembers trying to explain, but he never heard from HER again. Was she mad at him? She had made him a card for his birthday. In her card she gave him some advice. And towards the end she said that he should try not to completely forget about her. She probably had said it jokingly, as if she knew after all that they had been through she knew that there was no way Trip could forget about her. He had just scoffed at the remark saying that as many girls as he was about to meet he knew that none of them would be like HER. Why could he not seem to be able to stress that enough to her? But maybe she did not know that was what he meant. She never responded to inquire further. She never really tried to contact him unless she told him she would. So was she mad or what? Did she misunderstand him and think he was mad at HER. Did she get so sick and tired of all that had happened and what probably would that she resolved not to talk to Trip anymore? He certainly hoped that was not _

_the case. But what else could it be? He needed someone to talk to, he needed someone to help him out, but who would that someone be? _

"_Maybe I can be of assistance," interrupted a voice._

"_You are Master-"_

"_Obi- Wan Kenobi? I know who I am." Trip just stood mouth agape. He could not believe that the Jedi who he felt was one of the greatest of all time was standing in front of him. Obi- Wan had long been dead, but he was one with the force and had taken the immortal form of his 35yr old self. _

"_I am Tr-"_

"_Trip? I know who you are too."_

"_I am honored, Master Kenobi. What brings you before me?"_

"_I thought I might be able to help you Trip."_

"_Help me with what? Aren't I a good Jedi Knight? Is there anything in my performance that is unacceptable?"_

"_You have turned out to be quite a talented Jedi Trip."_

"_I break the training records all the time."_

"_The ones set by my apprentice."_

"_So what are you offering to assist me with, Master Kenobi?"_

"_Your little problem, Trip."_

"_What problem? I thought you said I was good."_

"_Your self defense mechanism seems to be up and running I see." Obi- Wan's silhouetted form sat down next to Trip._

"_What are you talking about?" Trip was starting to become genuinely annoyed. He was honored that Master Obi- Wan had decided to talk to him, but he was done "opening up," to people, even if they were dead._

"_Oh come on Trip, I can see into your heart. I can feel your pain. Let me help you."_

"_Help you what, judge me further? You don't need my permission for that." A curt edge began to form in Trip's voice._

"_Oh come on, out of all the problems with young Jedi right now, you honestly think I would waste my time judging you? I don't think so." Obi- Wan's clipped accent began to flare with its own hint of annoyance._

"_Ok, so I am having a little trouble."_

"_A little?"_

"_So maybe more than a little, but-"_

"_It isn't that serious?"_

"_I didn't mean to fall in love with HER, I should have known better."_

"_Falling in love should not be a problem, it should be a good thing, even if you are young."_

"_How does such a good thing turn in to such a nightmare?"_

"_Is it really a nightmare?"_

"_I thought you were all knowing."_

"_No, I am just not stupid."_

"_I know, I am the stupid one."_

"_Falling in love with someone does not make one stupid."_

"_But when they let it control them it does."_

"_Actually, the control your love for HER has on you has quite a positive effect on others. You have a very wise insight for others, and the pain causes you to break records all the time. You are an inspiration to your peers, and a Jedi to be proud of to your masters."_

"_It just kills me."_

"_It just kills you."_

"_I'm already dead."_

"_No, I am." They both laughed._

"_Yeah me, too." Another voice interrupted the conversation, but the door had been shut the whole time. How did somebody else get in?_

"_You know Anakin, it is rude not to knock," Obi- Wan reprimanded sharply._

"_Funny thing about immortality; you do not need to open doors. I thought I could be of service, master. Hey Trip," Anakin replied cheerfully._

"_Anakin, oh come on, I did nothing wrong," Trip said._

"_Yeah you did, you thought you were better than me," Anakin replied jokingly._

"_I never thought that."_

"_He is better at the program though Anakin," From Obi- Wan now._

"_That is because I left my emotions out of the program. I would have destroyed the whole room."_

"_I did destroy the whole room," Trip admitted._

"_On what basis?"_

"_Anger and pain."_

"_Ah, the basis of the dark side," Anakin observed._

"_Know that side huh?"_

"_All too well," Anakin admitted now._

"_I am a little too smart for the darkside," Trip scoffed. Anakin's silhouetted form was that of when he was Commander Skywalker in the clone wars. This form sat down across form Trip. "It really hurts doesn't it Trip?"_

"_More than you can imagine."_

"_I can imagine a lot," said Obi- Wan._

"_What happened to you Trip from your point of view?" said Anakin._

"_Excuse me?"_

"_The whole situation, I mean."_

"_I think what Anakin means is that you used to be one way. Now you are another," Obi- Wan observed._

"_You used to be positive and happy. Now you are dark and negative," Anakin accused._

"_I was so used to being rejected that when one girl decided to be nice to me, I decided she was supposed to like me. So I bought in to chance, and before I knew it, I had given HER my heart and I could not take it back." Trip was the one admitting now._

"_This is why back in the old days, attachment was forbidden," said Obi- Wan._

"_Okay Grandpa Elder, I'm sure that helps him right now. Trip listen to somebody who has been there; I loved Padme so much that I destroyed everything thing I lived to be. Was that Padme's fault? No. it was my own."_

"_I understand that. It is not HER fault. I have nobody to blame but myself. She may have made a mistake or two. But it was ultimately my fault."_

"_At least you did not let it control you to the point of betraying the Jedi order." Obi- Wan said force pushing a pillow at Anakin which he batted down. "Now you know things which help people. Think of all your friends you help. Without you some may not be able to go on. Without you some would end up terribly hurt."_

"_I do not flatter myself with such delusions of grandeur."_

"_Trip you need to lighten up," said Anakin._

"_You have worked too hard to be hung out to dry, young Knight," said Obi- Wan. "Just wait, you will have your chance." And before Trip _

_knew it, both Jedi were gone. And they had not done what they said they came to do; Trip felt worse than ever._


	22. Crazy

Trip wanted to scream. He could not take it anymore.

He had finally had gotten in touch with HER.

He had not talked to HER in a whole month. In that span, he must have called her ten times.

He messaged HER on the current network she was on, the holonet.

Surprisingly she was on.

He asked was she ok?

She said she was, but every time Trip had called she was on the other line with HER boyfriend. Trip had never thought about that possibility before.

But it shocked and hurt him.

Because what she was telling him that in all those ten times he called her, she was too busy to call him back once.

One time.

He signaled her ten times.

She could not accept his transmission once.

The anger. The pain.

His comlink signaled again.

"Go ahead," his voice lacked its usual curtness. Instead it was haggard.

"Trip!" it was his friend, the one he was talking to the other day. The one who promised to be his best friend. "Trip, he's here. My brother told him where I was!"

"Who?"

"My ex boyfriend, Trip, I'm scared."

"I'm on my way."

"No Trip! He's crazy! There is no telling what he will do!"

"I'm crazy too." He cut the communication, check to make sure his lightsaber was securely hidden in it's hilt, and hopped in his speeder. He pushed the limits of the speeder beyond its maximum speed capabilities. As he was driving his datapad signal with a message. The message was signed by his friend, but the person who addressed it was not her. It was her ex boyfriend himself. Trip read the message and pushed the limits of the speeder harder. The boy was a coward and he was at least six years older than him. Why would a 24 year old date at 18 year old anyway? He would see what the face of cowardice was. He arrived at the boy's house. He kicked down the door. What he saw disgusted him. The boy had his hand gripped around his friend's throat. He strode forward to release his grasp and was hit in the back with a durasteel pole. Normally, the blow would have knocked the blow's recipient out, but Trip's back was exceptionally strong from the lifting and training he had done. He turned and punched his attacker squarely in the jaw. That blow did knock it's recipient out. He turned to his main adversary.

"Give me your comlink!" he roared. When she did not comply, he tightened his grip and she handed it over.

"Release her!" Trip moved forward and struck down on his extended arm with his elbow. And as he buckled Trip spun him around and pushed him against the wall. He lifted him of the ground.

"You know who I am?" Trip said through gritted teeth.

"A dead man!" As soon as he replied he brought his knee up and struck Trip in the jaw. Trip was forced to release his grasp. His adversary reached over to a secret compartment and produced a large laser powered viroblade. Trip sighed. He did not want to have to use his lightsaber. _So don't. _Trip did not know where that voice came from but he understood. He raised his hand and called the viroblade to his hand. The boy stood shocked. Trip strode over and smacked him- hard. He hit the floor and Trip crouched down.

"This is a simple sample of pain for you if you ever come near her again. I would not advise crossing me again. I have seen the face of cowardice. Now I have seen the face of stupid cowardice."

"I'm not through with you!" Suddenly he charged again with a smaller viroblade in hand. Where did he keep getting those from, Trip wondered. He wasn't able to turn fast enough because he took an extra second to check on the girl, his friend. She lay still on the floor and as he turned to face his ignorant opponent, he leaned back. The viroblade scored a cut on the side of Trip's face, which went from right above his eye to his jawbone. Even Jedi were not inerrant, especially Trip. He used his off arm to parry his attacker's wielding hand and followed up with a blow square to the chest. The blow shook his attacker's body and forced him to drop his weapon. Trip gave him a roundhouse kick to finish him off.

He hit the floor again. This time he showed no signs of stirring.

"Look pal, this time, do not get up. But when you do, remember what I told you."

He went and picked his friend up, who had fell unconscious form the boy's grip on her neck. He lifted her gently into his speeder. As soon as he set her down she woke up.

"Trip?!"

"Yeah?"

"What happened?"

"I took care of business."

"He is crazy, he will find me again."

"You are safe now. I do not think you will have to worry about him again."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Trip, your face! Your hurt!" The girl's voice was stricken with grief.

"I read a book once where an evil scientist said that the mind must trick the body into thinking pain was a little thing. Besides, I would have been more hurt if he would have hurt you."

"Why did you come?"

"Best friends help each other right?"

"I didn't think anybody would come."

"I told you I was crazy."

"Not really Trip. You are one of the most intelligent people I know. It means a lot to me that you say the things you do. And what you did tonight means more to me than you will ever know,"

"I know I did it because I cared."

"I didn't know you cared that much."

"I told you I cared about you, but you never listened. In fact I lov-…." His voice trailed off. He wouldn't do it. He told himself that he would never do it again, never again would he tell a girl that he loved them.

"You what?" She brought him back to reality.

"I-"

"You what?"

"I can't tell you."

"Can't tell me what?"

"She has your name."

"Yes but it is my name not HERS, besides, it is spelled differently."

"I still can't, I….."

"Just tell me Trip." Fine. She was right- they were not the same person. It was not the same.

"I care about you to the point that I would even say that I loved you." Trip almost passed out with the effort that it took for him to say that.

"Well I love you too, Trip."

"You what?"

"Love you too."

"Aw man," Trip put a hand on his head in a futile attempt to stop it from spinning. She hugged him.

"When nobody else would help me, you still came through for me."

"I enjoy dealing with cowards; it is rewarding to help a friend."

"A best friend, Trip, a best friend."

" I'm glad you are safe."

"You were the one who made it so. Thank you- so much." She hugged him again. "Come on, I'll buy you that ham sandwich."

"Yes mam!"

"It is the least I can do Trip. But first I want to treat your face."

"Forget about my face."

"It could get infected!"

"Fine there is a bacta supply in my speeder, you can use that."

"Great." She fixed him up and they were on their way to get something to eat. After that he poilted the speeder back to her house.

"I'll make sure my dad knows about this Trip."

"No need, it is my job," Trip assured her with a smile.

"Wait but- " Trip had already taken off. "How is it your job?" she finished.


	23. The Loss of Hope

He had trained hard for this day. The level of preparation it took Trip to get ready for this time was unreasonable. The amount of effort it took Trip to stay optimistic, and keep a positive outlook was to such a difficult degree that more times than not, Trip failed. He had to force himself to be positive. His life was a nightmare. Mistakes had been made in his family. Times had been rough. He hated his hometown. He hated his house. It was home, but it was too small. There were ten people in a house built for four. There was no room to put things. His mother used to yell at him to clean up his room. He used to respond; "Well mother, where do I put this stuff?" One day he just sat down and told his mother straight up, that there was no where to put stuff. She began to cry. He slept in a bed with his younger brother. He decided he would sleep on the sleep couch from now on, downstairs. But then his grandmother moved in, and she slept there. So he was stuck in the bed with the boy. He was not very big- at first, but he did not stress spacing like Trip did. Trip needed space; he did not like being touched while he was asleep. And Trip was a big man. He really did not like being touched while he was awake. Sometimes Trip did not know what he was, but he knew he wasn't Jedi. He could only occasionally stay at the Temple, because his parents wanted him home. He was eighteen years old, and he was looking forward to leaving his house. He would leave his old life, his old area behind, and start anew. He would abate the terror and the nightmare he used to be trapped in. Now the day had come. Tomorrow he would move out into his new institution and do things his own way. He would still keep the ways of the force, but he would no longer stay at home. He would only come home if he wanted to, and despite his parents thoughts it would be a great deal less than they thought. It was time. He was at a friend's house for the moment and as soon as he woke he would return home to pack his things.

Time progressed on. Anybody he was close with knew how important his moving out was to him. His best friend, his brother was just as excited as he was. Only his mom had encouraged him to leave. He had laughed and told him that she had his stuff waiting at the door. He promised Trip they 

would talk every day. His comlink signaled. His comlink signaled? It was three chronos in the morning. It was his dad.

"Hello?"

"Where are you Trip?" His dad asked calmly.

"At my friends house."

"Are you staying there?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye." That was odd, why hadn't his mother told his father where he was? As if to answer his comlink signaled again. It was his dad again.

"Why didn't you tell me you were staying there?" His father demanded.

"I told mom, I thought you knew."

"I'm not your mother."

"Sorry." His father paused for what seemed like an eternity, Trip hated it when he did that.

"All it took was a signal or a message."

"Okay, I'll not make the mistake again."

"Bye."

"Bye." Trip jammed his comlink back in his hilt. Why was it that he was so concerned? Tomorrow he would be out of the house completely. It seemed such a trivial thing to be chastised about at a time such as this one.

Unless he did not plan on Trip leaving.

The realization hit Trip like a smack in the face.

He could feel it now, he could for see the time to come.

He would remain at his house. Of that he was positive. The question was why and who was preventing him from his goal.

Sometimes that goal was the only thing that would keep Trip going. He shared a bed with his little brother. He did not sleep very well because the boy always found his way on Trip's side. He would hit him with arms and jab him with knees. He would radiate heat over towards Trip as if Trip wasn't already hot enough. How was it that this was permitted? He would complain to his parents at first. Then he realized as a Jedi Knight that complaining was pathetic so he simply made a request for the situation to Sif what Trip was doing was mistreating him then, what he was about to do would be considered murder. Trip knew that at the end of the season, he would move out and leave. He knew that one day in the near future he would be gone, able to have his own room and his own bed. But the time was too far away so one night, Trip kicked him fully off the bed. He was fed up.

"And if you touch me again, I'll put you right back down there," Trip told him. He was almost there though and he only had a short time to wait so that would do to console him.

But when he awoke he was informed that the girl, his new "best friend" had thrown him under the bus. Her father found out that she had been talking to Trip and he became upset because Trip was darker than she was. He tarnished Trip's reputation with the council and treated to bring politics into the situation. What kind of racism was this? The whole deal literally disgusted Trip. He could not believe that the man had tarnished his reputation with the council after all of the effort Trip had put forth not to disappoint or offended them. But pretty soon that would not matter because Trip was about to leave and be on his own. Then he only had two weeks left…..

These events only go to show what really appealed to Trip about moving out. He did not want to just go out clubbing trying to party all the time. He simply wanted his own room and his own space. He was tired of everything being done solely out of the convince of the family. He was a grown man and he was the eldest of his brothers and sisters. It was high time he get the space, respect, and privacy he 

deserved. He could not kick his little brother out of his room, it was his room too. But Trip was eighteen and the boy was only eight. The boy had no idea what Trip used to do for him. But the un appreciation, the ignorance could be endured for a little longer because Trip would be leaving soon. That was with a week left.

With a large family came a large work load. His grandmother would wake him up with a tremendous work order. A small home with a great volume of people left a lot to be done. And in this case one often left the large projects undone. But she did not miss anything, and Trip had to clean everything. He would wake up to her yelling at some erroneous time in the day, while he was trying to rest. He always had a long week that usually did not allow for sleep and he would be very tired. But rest was forbidden for Trip apparently because at his house, there were always things to be done, so his grandmother said. But that was okay Trip thought then, because soon he would be gone and she, his grandmother, could stay as long as she wanted.

And there it was. He would be free. Free from the dominatrix that was his grandmother. Free from the sleeping terror that was his little brother. Free from the nightmares that was his longtime duty. He would be able to make his own decisions. He would be able to sleep peacefully. He would be able to have his own room and decide when he did what. He would be able to make friends and go out with them and have fun. But let the fun stand aside and it is no match to the happiness Trip would receive from having a key to his own room. _His own room._ Even the thought rang joy and mercy from the heavens. At first he was not all excited about what he was about to do. His peers had waited for this moment since their second year at the academy. Would he even miss people at that academy? Sure would. He had a lot of friends, more than he realized. Trip had gotten dangerously used to ridding solo his second year at the academy. As far as he was concerned, his path just differed from those of his peers. But that certainly changed his last year he was at the academy. He had grown close with a lot of his fellow Jedi and a great deal of his instructor, masters, and trainers.

That was all well and good, it would be tough leaving the bonds he had made. He really did not have to leave them, he just had to make new ones. Trip used to be real good at making friends, despite the great deal of people that did not like him. He did the best he could after all. But would that ease come back to him? One may not forget how to pilot a speeder, but if it has been a long time since one has had to pilot one, they may crash it. These were all things to consider about Trip's upcoming transition in his new life. Some of these questions could very well be deemed frightening, but Trip was not scared, he was ready. He had prepared himself by never letting himself become too excited about the fact before it ever happened. Besides that was only if everything went how it was planned and as a Jedi Knight Trip knew that things rarely went according to plan. That alone should tell the reader enough. And it should have warned Trip. It did but Trip was so close to his release form the terror that had been his lifelong nightmare that he batted the warning away like a baby driagon.

True enough he came home on his move in day, around midday.

"Mother, when am I moving in?" he swiveled in his chair in order to see her expression. He found that it was grave.

"You're not."

"Why?!" Trip demanded incredulously.

"Because your father wants you to stay home this season."

Now he knew how Grand Master Skywalker had felt, something inside of Trip broke. In Luke's younger days he had always dreamed of going to the flight academy with his friends. This was denied to him by his uncle Owen. But when Luke demanded to know why he was denied this right his uncle explained that he still needed his help. Trip had a feeling that such was not the case here. He knew he would get no such explanation from his father, although it may very well be for the same reason.

"I'm supposed to go get my datacard today, mother," Trip calmly protested.

"Your dad wants you to stay home," his mother replied bluntly.

The tear in Trip turned into a complete rip. The break he had felt had now become a deep rift inside of Trip, one that could not easily be fixed. How was it that a person could live with such a rift, and absolutely no heart? Trip had heart. He had a lot of heart, but it was constantly being broken all the time. So he used the force to help him place a boundary around it. It has already been made clear that Trip would never give his heart out again. He would never again tell a girl that he loved her. He would still come across people he loved. He would still fall in love or decide to love somebody. But he would never again say it. Whoever wanted to get close to Trip, if there was anybody out there with such an aim, it would take serious work to get in with Trip. So he wasn't leaving, he was to remain at the house. A snap hiss was heard behind him, the familiar ignition sound of a lightsaber. It was Lazer.


	24. Preparation for the Unseen

Trip did not even care how or why Lazer was still alive. He had been let down by his parents. He had been ignored by HER. He would not move out. He would not have his heart put to rest. He still had to confront HER, for ignoring him. That hurt him, it hurt him bad. He was already hurt- he was _always _hurt.

"You thought I was dead? Surprise! Now you get yours! I have waited so long for this. You are unarmed, you are defenseless, I will take you down with ease. I am stronger than you- "

"If I were you I would leave," Trip said haggardly. Instead Lazer force pushed a nearby canister straight into Trip's chest. Because of Trip's, anger, pain, and frustration, his force connection was weak. He recovered from the blow and went straight towards Lazer.

"You fool!" Lazer blared. He smacked Trip cleanly in the eye with the butt of his lightsaber, but not before Trip grabbed a hold of Lazer's throat. He squeezed his hands with such force that Lazer dropped his lightsaber. There was a pop heard, and Lazer's eyes rolled back in his head. Trip dropped his body and strode forward to the door. He had to find HER. It was time for the final confrontation. He would tell her once and for all. He would take her hand and let her know once and for all how much he loved her, how much he cared. He would ask the big questions, like why couldn't she love him or what made her boyfriend so superior? He would finally handle his business once and for all. He knew he would not be victorious, and he knew since he was staying home things wouldn't change at all. That was something he could not control, that was something that could very well be his ruin. He put a hand on his hilt, and progressed on to what may be the end of his sanity.


	25. Darkness From Hypocracy

**He did not have a heart anymore. He knew that. So why was he continuing? What would he gain from** this confrontation? Trip did not know, he just knew it was necessary. He pulled his speeder up to his old academy, a place he knew all too well. She was waiting. Funny. Trip never even bothered to tell her he was coming; she had been ignoring him anyway. His heart jumped, or it would have jumped if it had been what it once was. What Trip had left was barely recognizable as a heart would be tested here to maintain his regular bodily functions. He already asked a lot from his body between his Jedi training and his athletic training. Now he was asking it to hold on one last time.

"Do you wanna talk or not?" she said hesitantly.

"Do I?" Trip said incredulous, "We should go in there." He motioned to an empty room.

"Ok but I'm tired so I'm going to sit down," her expression was ice cold. Trip remained standing. He took a passive stance, one that blocked the door from intruders. Her head was rested on one of the other durasteel doors. They were the special kind, built to see out, but not to see in.

"Do you want to start or should I?"

"I will. Why didn't you move out?"

"Because my father said I couldn't," Trip responded bluntly.

"Oh. I'm so-"

"You know your boyfriend who is so superior to me?" Trip, cutting her off, was relentless now. "He came at me incorrect. This is something you should fix before it gets out of hand."

"He isn't supposed to do that!" she began to signal him on the comlink.

"Save it. All I have to do to him is…." He began to use the force to crush the door next to her head, imagining it was the boy's head. His rage was furry. He punched the crumpled remains twenty five yards, and his hand began to bleed. He kicked another door; it came straight off the hinges. She didn't 

move; she knew he wouldn't hit her. His breathing heavy he hoarsely asked, "Why have you been ignoring me?"

"Because you are supposed to be gone."

"But I'm not. Wait. Let me get this straight. You thought by ignoring me, you were doing me a favor?"

"Yes." His heart broke for the last time. This time, there was no more. There was nothing left. There was only pain. Extreme pain. So much pain he wanted to cry. He wanted to fall at her feet like a defeated giant. He wanted to take her hand and tell her that no matter what she had done to him, he would now, and always love her. Instead, he simply replied,

"I'm sorry you thought that." He turned on a heel, lengthened his already purposefully stride, and got in his speeder.

Later that night while trip was at his datapad he signed on the holonet to talk to his cousin. There was a headline on his home page. It was her, telling her boyfriend that she loved him. She told Trip she never said that to anybody but him. She had told him that she would never say that to any of her boyfriends unless she really thought she meant it. The darkness that had now taken a hold of Trip would take a long time to clear away…………….


	26. The End?

And so this is how it is supposed to end?

Trip, heartbroken and defeated.

Defeated?

How was he defeated if he defeated all of his enemies?

After all he did have some close calls but he always won no matter what.

Always winning does not make one a winner.

Trip was a loser.

He wasn't a loser because he always won, but he was a loser because he lost the fight that mattered the most; the battle of his heart.

He had los t that battle before he started it; it is impossible to change somebody else's heart.

Trip was slowly deteriorating as a person; its impossible for someone to take this kind of emotional stress and not have their body take any punishment. Why was it that Trip had to be punished?

Why did Trip have to be punished because he loved somebody?

Who's fault was it that Trip was where he was now?

His best friend, the girl, who told Trip she wanted to be his best friend, threw Trip and his brothers under the bus; she was no longer friends with Trip.

The girl, the one he loved had broken his heart for the last time for a number of reasons.

He no longer had a heart.

He thought he could abate all this nonsense by moving out, but he had to stay home.

Who is to blame for all this?

Is it the girl's fault that she threw him under the bus?

Is it his parents fault Trip was still stuck in a nightmare?

Is it HER fault that Trip's heart was no more?

Trip had one person to blame, and this person was himself. He was under a tremendous amount of pain, so much so he felt like it was haunting him. Every other girl he saw looked like HER. He would be asleep, and she would appear in his dream. The dream then turned into a nightmare. A dream is no longer a dream when it causes one pain and terror. The pain was unbearable, but Trip took it. The weight on his shoulders was heavy, but Trip carried it. The pressure of the pain forced Trip back, but Trip pushed on.

And here is our hero Trip. The main character in the story. In the beginning Master AT told Trip that there was always a way. But we know now from experience that there isn't. There is absolutely no way possible that Trip could change HER mind. She had accurately demonstrated time and time again that she wanted no part of Trip's love, except for what she could take advantage of. Trip hated the darkness in him, he hated what the girl had done to him. It was absolutely ridiculous, and he decided he would let her know it, weather she wanted to hear it or not.


	27. Final Words, The End

Trip was a Jedi Knight to the very end. Attachment was forbidden in the old days, but Grand Master Skywalker reformed that. Trip showed extreme patience like a Jedi Knight does, but most Jedi Knights do not put up with what Trip did. His attachment to this girl was questioned by many, and looked down on by most. And what did it get Trip? Did she ever love him? Did he ever get to hold HER hand? Why was it he still loved HER? Why was it that after all the pain, all the sorrow, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, and haunting that he still loved HER to this very moment? Was it honor- valor? Or was it stupid meritocracy? This situation is far from mediocre. It is an extreme case which proves that love is stronger than pride. Pride brings a man low, pride comes before the fall. But pride is what makes a sports team great. Pride is what makes a man noticed, powerful. Trip was very proud of the fact that he was an athlete and even more proud he was a Jedi Knight. But Trip was embarrassed of the situation he was in. He hated how people looked down on him, judging his situation. But at the same time he didn't care. He knew he would never look down on somebody in his situation ever again. He knew he would be there for that person, letting them know it was okay, that someone else had felt their pain. It just was not fair that Trip loved the girl with all his heart, and the girl never let him hold HER hand. Why was it that Trip blamed himself for all that had happed? Probably because he knew it really was his fault. It was his fault ultimately. One girl finally decides she shows interest in him and is heart was gone, waiting for someone to take it. And all he wanted to know was what made this guy so superior. Was he that ugly, or unattractive? Or was he even meant to be like at all? People like Trip well enough, he was a people person. He got along with people well enough, but they knew there was something about Trip, something he wasn't telling. Trip knew that every time he did, he was sorry for it, and Trip was tired of being sorry. Would he ever like a girl like that again? NO. Would he ever give his heart out again the first time he met a girl? NO. There was no "love at first sight," for Trip. If he ever got so lucky as to have a girl like him again, it would take them a long time to get in with him. Nobody may ever know the things she 

knew again. Stupid? Unfair? NO, cautious. Caution would reinforce the boundaries that Trip had put up around his heart.

He wanted to talk to HER. He wanted to tell HER that he hated what she had done to him. But she had only done what Trip had allowed HER to do. She had manipulated him, she had broken his heart, but only because Trip allowed HER to. It nothing that happened between them was ever fair to the other. Trip was a true Knight, but he was also a fool. He let HER do this to him. And while he lets his hand drop to his hilt, because he heard a scream in an alley in the hood, he knew that he still loved HER. And while Trip was protecting the innocent fighting hard, and training harder, still loving HER the whole time, she was posting pictures of HER kissing HER boyfriend, hypocritically telling him that she loved Him.

Thanks to all who took the time to read Trip's story, and never forget the writings of a true knight.


End file.
